Ah, October. The leaves are turning, and the air is crisp. Amazon carts are filled with tiny skirts, and you’re calculating what you need on the next prelim to salvage your GPA. Spooky season is here, and in between your online costume shopping, you realize you want to watch a horror movie. Maybe you don’t want to actually be scared. What’s something Halloween-appropriate you can put on for under two hours of fun?
Stupid horror movies that should have never been made, of course! Camp horror movies are the best way to turn the brain off and forget real-world anxieties. These films are cinematic abominations with their Dollar Store props and terribly aged special effects. Here are some of the most iconic terrible horror films, featuring the best quotes someone was actually paid to write.
For an app that can tell you the time and date of your death, Countdown is downright laughable. After two patients warn Nurse Quinn Harris about the app (creatively, the name of the title), she downloads it. As her death date grows closer, she desperately tries to delete the app. The script sidetracks her journey through stale church sideplots and a romance with absolutely no chemistry.
This movie is perfect to tear apart with your friends, with its cheap jump scares and weak character chemistry. Every decision is illogical. They repeatedly put themselves into dangerous situations to try to dodge fate. Maybe locking yourself in an empty wing of the hospital is a bad idea?
Best quote: “Can I get a Hallelujah high five?”
The ’80s slasher film boom churned out classic after classic, while also producing a gold mine of terrible junk with shoebox budgets. Don’t Go in the Woods follows an obnoxious group of teen campers hunted by a fur-wearing killer. As they and others are trapped in the sprawling forest, they work together to escape.
Even for the ’80s, the saturation is an eyesore. Bright greens offset any real forest vibe. The campers wear what Party City would qualify as a decade-themed costume with their vibrant blues and short-shorts. Worst of all: the blood is clearly bright red paint. The best thing about craft store-level quality is how you can recreate any group scene for less than five dollars. Maybe these tacky teens can be the group costume you are searching for.
Best quote: “Now I've got you, b*tch! Let's hear you say uncle!”
The Monkey came out in February, and there is so little publicity on this masterpiece of camp cinema. Based on a Stephen King short story, the movie features a drum-holding monkey toy who kills with every beat. After the toy wreaks havoc in the lives of two young twin brothers, they think they’ve finally stopped it. Twenty-five years later, the twins (both played by Theo James) are living completely separate downtrodden lives when the Monkey resumes killing.
If the ugly toy with an unsettlingly toothy grin itself doesn’t entertain you, the deaths definitely will. With each drum beat, the way these characters die becomes increasingly outlandish. They shift from the traditional horror movie method of sharp weapons all the way to horse stampedes. Every time someone new fell victim to that stupid monkey, the entire theater lit up with laughter. The use of practical effects makes all the difference in creating the insane deaths.
Best quote: “Let’s make like eggs and scramble!”
Holiday horror movies usually teeter on the verge of insanity due to their low budgets and lack of concrete creativity. 2008’s ThanksKilling, a Thanksgiving-themed film, is no exception. The film leans into the absurd, combining the usual trope of dumb college students with a homicidal turkey that speaks with the cadence of your politically incorrect uncle. The opening shot is literally a pilgrim woman’s breast as she holds an axe and runs away from the turkey. I rest my case.
The performances are so incredibly wooden, with one of the teens showing absolutely no grief over his parents after the turkey gets them. At one point, the turkey manages to answer the door wearing the face of one of his victims, playing the stolen identity up for laughs. Honestly, every line is played for laughs, with the script akin to a twelve-year-old boy's Call of Duty chat — full of swears and dry pop culture references. ThanksKilling knew it would never have the chance to win an Oscar or make the Criterion Collection; it just decided to bathe in its own stupidity.
Best quote: “Her legs are harder to close than the JonBenét Ramsey case.”
Finally, you can always find the campy pieces of junk in the long-running slasher series. By the fourth movie, franchises look for any outlandish plot point to keep it going. Naturally, having two horror icons team up and duel it out would be the perfect choice, so the public got Freddy vs. Jason. While in Hell, Freddy Krueger manipulates Jason Voorhees to stir up fear in his old neighborhood to release him. The killing spree that ensues pits the ’80s icons against each other as both try to be the bigger killer.
These actors love their ranges, going from complete neutrality to dramatic line readings when the camera focuses on them. It seems the biggest note from director Ronny Yu was that everyone must be overacting at all times. The CGI is also incredibly overused, aging the film like milk with every patchy slashing effect. Even the jump-cut-focused editing in the killing sequences is frivolous.
Best quote: “Dude, that goalie was pissed about something.”
Stupidity in horror movies is inevitable. Embracing the idiocy and camp is the best way to enjoy Halloween as it draws nearer.
Kate LaGatta is a freshman in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at kal273@cornell.edu.
