There is a reason that, when moving from grade school to college, STEAM loses the arts aspect and becomes STEM. The arts are superfluous and irrelevant, only used to get kids interested in the much more valuable science, technology, engineering and math required to be successful in life. After all, math is the universal language, and I’m a fluent speaker.
It is impossible to get through a day without using math, the prime subject at the top of the objective hierarchy of importance. The Pythagorean Theorem allows me to optimize my route to class, cutting across the Arts Quad diagonally to follow the shortest possible path. I ensure that I’ve calculated the tax on my Bus Stop Bagels order before Econ 1110 every day, so that I’m never caught off guard by the total. (I know, microeconomics is getting dangerously close to social studies territory. I’m only in it for the graphing, trust me.) I keep my spine at the precise angle necessary to reduce strain during my three-hour chemistry labs. On my walk to the infinitely homey and welcoming PSB, I scoff at the humanities majors in their fashionable outfits, sipping coffee in Zeus. They’ll never have jobs. I don’t have time for a sweater, scarf and acceptably-oversized leather jacket. I have vector sums to compute and internships to acquire.
My roommate once tried to show me a painting she had made of the sunset. I refused to taint my vision with such a trivial token of inferiority. If I wanted to look at the sky, I would simply open the blinds. Besides, paintings make me feel things. Why would I want that? I much prefer the sterility of a mathematical equation to the messiness of paint on canvas. Avogadro would never let me down; his number is always the same. There’s no correct answer to those horrendous questions posed in humanities classes. I’d prefer never to think that deeply, actually. Why were the curtains blue? I don’t know! Nobody knows! None of us will ever know! But I know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow, and that’s what really counts.
The arts are barely even part of the world as a whole. I would consider myself a happy person. And I have never, of my own free will, visited a museum, art gallery or library. Television shows and movies are (I don’t know if you know this) entirely made up. I deleted the default Apple Music app from my phone when I purchased it because I’m strong enough to listen to my own thoughts instead of an amalgam of lyrics and instruments. I abhor musicals. Why would I ever pay to see people sing and dance on a stage when I already see that every night in my melatonin-induced, post-lab fever dreams? I also don’t read books. My lab-goggle-dented eyes much prefer numbers to words, and I’ll only accept the latter if they come in the form of a lab report. If I can be happy without these so-called “important cultural centers,” then what purpose do they even serve? You say that art is supposed to disturb the comfortable, but why would anybody ever want to be disturbed? That sounds exceedingly unpleasant to me. Tape no more bananas to walls, oh artists of the world! Come into the light, and we eminent scientists and mathematicians can teach you to analyze the molecular composition of the banana. Doesn’t that sound far more entertaining?
So powerful is my hatred for the arts that I, in fact, have been moved to compose a sonnet on the subject. It reads as follows:
A pittance in the scheme of things, humanities are thus,
The jobless, sad and pitiful dead end.
To capable STEM majors our society will entrust
Their hopes and whims and know they will transcend.
A vector sum brings joy that knows no bound
Where magnitude and direction are one.
In matrices and theorems, we dance around
The knowledge of the moon and sun.
Only through calculations can life be real,
And sterile, predictable, making sense.
The arts confuse, beguile and steal
Time from STEM sans recompense.
Knowledge comes from calculation,
In the arts, naught is to be found but vexation.
Before you continue on with your day, infinitely more knowledgeable about the supremacy of STEM, make sure to connect with me on LinkedIn. If I can get to over 500 connections, maybe my professor will finally let me join in on the research in her lab. I already have the post drafted. “I am utterly thrilled, completely honored and unfailingly proud to very humbly and gracefully spread the good news that I will be joining … ”
Al Gorithm is a proud member of the College of Engineering and a mediocre staff writer for The Sun (but only the Science section) (except this guest piece for Opinion) (but it will never happen again).
Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
