Since the dawn of civilization, specifically in the European sphere, marriage has been the ultimate expectation for women. Across centuries and across the world, girls have been forced into marriage through regular societal pressure and pure business interests from their fathers. The notion that a woman would not want to get married was unheard of and deeply resented by the patriarchy. Those who abstained from marriage were ostracized. Society has convinced millions of women that a wedding day is the most important day of their lives.
Now, in no way am I claiming the average marriage is like this today. While arranged and child marriages do persist, many modern marriages can also be the result of loving and healthy relationships. Even so, the expectation of eventual marriage remains a core tenet of societies around the globe.
Recently, online, there’s been a trend of women posting themselves crying in anticipation of a proposal. Dubbed “engagement purgatory,” these women see their own tears as a humorous prelude to marital bliss. After clips of them sobbing, they include a clip of the proposal itself, showing the happy couple grinning ear to ear. The latter parts of these videos are rather heartwarming, with the couple clearly showing deep love and care for each other. And who doesn’t love a proposal?
But why post the clip of you sobbing? As the internet has expanded from ’90s anonymous chatlogs to Zuckerberg's digital hellscape, everything has become increasingly personal. Our social media profiles are no longer free expression, but rather a direct extension of our daily lives and routines, even in the most vulnerable moments. Sometimes, that leads to careful curation of an online persona. Other times, it leads to vulnerability being directly posted on the internet. People have grown increasingly dependent on sharing their everyday lives. Why would they stop at an event seen as the stepping stone to the most important part of their life?
It is my longstanding belief that you should not record yourself crying and post it on the internet. Those videos will remain with you for life, contributing to your looming digital footprint. Worse, you’re exposing a personal part of yourself to the world for likes and comments, the majority of which are ruthless. Commenters tell the women to “de-center men” and “get off the floor.” While not well wishes for the couple, these commenters do have a point. Posting videos of you sobbing will only attract ire, the worst of which will override any sympathy you may receive. While the hate seems overwhelming, there are indeed also women in the comments relating, posting their own tear-stained faces in photos.
Engagement purgatory, while bringing stress and sobs, is seen as a true testament to becoming a bride and eventual wife. Marriage is the ultimate goal, and the steps to the altar are treated as a pilgrimage toward forever bliss. Part of the appeal of posting yourself sobbing is that proof — an attestation that you deserve the proposal of your dreams. You deserve the wedding. You survived the waiting period for one of our culture’s most valued possessions, the diamond ring. Your tears are evidence alone.
And what of the guys? The fiancés who stand behind the camera, watching the loves of their lives cry over something that clearly pains them. While I can understand to some extent why they wouldn’t want to intervene and ruin the surprise (especially when they plan on proposing very soon), it’s still objectively weird to record your fiancée crying and not move to comfort them.
Some of these displays also veer into “shut up ring” territory. A shut up ring is a term for when a man proposes after a long time dating — think around a decade — solely because he wants his significant other to stop talking about getting married (hence the term “shut up”). Proposals that come with a shut up ring typically do not produce healthy marriages, as the foundation is annoyance instead of actual desire to be married.
While these videos are likely not “shut up ring” cases, the whole odyssey of distress to the altar connects to how we as women view the institution of marriage. I personally want to get married. I have dreamed about my wedding since I was able to conceptualize a grand party celebrating love. I also acknowledge that this stress I, and women like me across the globe, have placed on my future marriage is entirely a societal construct.
Weddings are beautiful events. So are proposals. They are often gorgeous and truly a highlight of our lives. But they are not what defines us as women and as people.
Marriage should not be painful. We as women should not cry in anguish over an event supposed to be happy.
‘Internet Aggravations’ is a column discussing large-scale controversies related to the arts or general popular culture found online, especially on heated platforms such as TikTok and X.
Kate LaGatta is a member of the Class of 2029 in the College of Arts and Sciences. She is a columnist for the Arts & Culture department and can be reached at klagatta@cornellsun.com.
