School superlatives are an age-old tradition, but, at Cornell, these personality assignments are certainly unique. With the first day of class upon us, here are some Cornell-themed superlatives assigned to my favorite fictional characters! Each of these characters were picked based on their core traits in the show, movie or book they are from.
Most Likely to Say Okenshields Is Their Favorite Dining Hall: Kevin Malone from The Office
If you’ve watched any season of The Office, then you’ve met big-time foodie Kevin. He is your go-to guy for a vending machine snack break, food-based competition or chili recipe. My favorite foodie moment from Kevin is in the show’s sixth season, during Pam’s baby delivery episodes, when he eats Pam’s impressively large pregnancy diet alongside her everyday. As a Cornellian coming off a long morning of classes, I just know Kevin isn’t walking all the way back to North Campus or down to West Campus for lunch. Okenshields Dining Hall is convenient, consistent and provides the perfect options for Kevin to relish in his midday feast.
Most Likely to Bring Fish to the Harvard Hockey Game: JJ Maybank from Outer Banks
Although it would be hard to imagine JJ Maybank as a Cornellian, given that he isn’t the academic type, he has the perfect mix of frat boy and fisherman energy for this superlative. Growing up on the East Coast and constantly on boats, JJ would gladly reel in a nice big fish to throw at his least favorite Harvard player. He’s not afraid to stand up to authority and make impulsive decisions (like when he bought a hot tub using money he stole from a drug dealer), so JJ would have no problem breaking the rules to honor a school tradition.
Most Likely to Spend All Their Big Red Bucks in the First Week: Lorelei Gilmore from Gilmore Girls
One of Lorelei Gilmore’s core character traits is her love of coffee. From the pilot episode, she is constantly begging Luke to give her more coffee — she practically lives off the stuff. Lorelai also loves a good sweet treat and always craves a Pop-Tart in the morning. She would live in Libe Cafe, sipping on mochas and chowing down on baked goods while she takes her Hotelie classes to learn how to run an inn. However, she would definitely need to keep her time at Cornell a secret from her daughter, Rory, and her dad, Richard, as they are both Yale alums. We certainly don’t want any inter-Ivy League drama.
Most Likely to Attend Class in a Suit: Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl
Growing up the child of successful businessman Bart Bass, Chuck feels best in his suit and tie, even if everyone else were wearing their pajama pants. He would fit in perfectly with Dyson students dressing up to secure their next internship or club invite. Although he might try to weasel his way into the most prestigious business clubs on campus, he would get rejected for being too cocky.
Most Likely to Get Hit by the TCAT Bus: Neville Longbottom from Harry Potter
From his first days at Hogwarts, Neville constantly faces disaster, and I am sure it would be the same at Cornell. Although there are no broom lessons to go awry or teenage witches to freeze him in the middle of the night, Cornell is full of its own hazards. He would probably slip on some ice and end up facing the rumbling TCAT head on. Poor guy — at least Cornell EMS will come help him.
Most Likely to Skin a Bear in the Dorm: Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games
With her hunting skills and hatred of authority, Katniss would earn this superlative in a heartbeat. Growing up in District 13, she learned how to survive off the land and does not let a good kill go to waste. Perhaps Peeta could bake some bread for bear sandwiches!
Most Likely to Fall Through the Ice at Beebe Lake: Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables
Known for her love of bodies of water, such as the lake she dubs the “Lake of Shining Waters,” Anne would be immediately drawn to Beebe. She’s also always looking for adventure and might attempt to enjoy some winter whimsy by going ice skating. Instead, she’d probably end up with a bad case of hypothermia and frostbite. Unfortunately, delusion cannot thicken ice.
Most Likely to End Up on the Slope Day Stage: Maddy Perez from Euphoria
If you have seen Maddy in the first two seasons of Euphoria, you know she loves to party. She would make it to the front of any concert on Nate Jacob’s shoulders (before he got together with her best friend Cassie). I’m sure her outfit for Slope Day would be a sight to behold, too, since her high school party outfits were always covered in sequins and left little to the imagination.
Most Likely to Befriend the Skunk on North Campus: Wednesday Addams from The Addams Family
As Wednesday often finds people extremely irritating and not worth her time, she tends to gravitate towards non-human companions like Thing the hand. Wednesday also loves to play pranks on her least favorite classmates. She and the skunk could team up, spraying unsuspecting freshmen going to RPCC after a night out. Even their uniforms match — both the skunk and Wednesday wear exclusively black and white.
Most Likely to Fail Their Swim Test: Bella Swan from Twilight
If you have watched the scene of Bella playing volleyball in gym class, you know she has zero athleticism. Instead, she relies on her mysterious vampire boyfriend to carry her on his back through the woods. There is no way she could make it through treading water and swimming a lap in Helen Newman, and I’m sure she’d fail in the most attention-seeking way. At least Edward will jump out from wherever he is lurking to save her.
Emma Robinson is a member of the Class of 2027 in the College of Arts and Sciences. She is a staff writer for the Arts & Culture department and can be reached at erobinson@cornellsun.com.
