Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
“Any person, any study” — more like “any person, any sport.” In a bold reimagining of its historic motto, Cornell announced the creation of a varsity spikeball team set to compete at the Division I level beginning in Fall 2026.
This absolutely electric, feel-good sport has taken procrastination-inclined college students by storm.
Relatively low-impact yet strategic, spikeball is a joint-friendly way to stay active and fuel student’s competitive spirits. On the few days of the year that the sun shines over the Arts Quad, students can be spotted hauling spikeball nets and balls up the Slope, across the bridge to North Campus and all the way from Collegetown for intense play in between classes and on their lunch breaks.
After intense University deliberation, University leaders decided to honor the observed spikeball talent by officially adopting the sport into Cornell Athletics and the Ivy League as a whole.
Spikeball Sparks Praise, Confusion and Donor Panic
This decision has received generally positive reviews from the student body. One spike-baller, junior Ned Spikeman, praised this opportunity for dedicated quad athletes like himself.
“The ability to continue to play the game that we love at the Division I level is insane.” Spikeman said. “After years of being joked about, we are glad that our sport is finally being taken seriously.”
Current student athletes had mixed reactions.
“I’ve got to admit, I’m a little confused.” said sophomore football player Chad Touchdown. “I mean I’m chill with it, but wearing the athlete parka used to stand for something bigger.”
Other student athletes expressed enthusiasm at welcoming the spike-ballers into the league, as long as the influx of Division I athletes would not affect the price of electric scooters.
Not everyone believes that spikeball deserves a spot in Division I athletics.
Some students suggested that athletic funding should go towards “real sports,” but declined to say more. Several alumni expressed outrage at the fact that their donations would now be going towards the purchase of $50 circular nets.
In response, the University expressed that it was simply meeting student’s demand, recognizing a “growing need” for the sport in the athletics program.
Due to inclement weather for the rest of April, tryouts will be held on the Arts Quad at an unspecified date.
All prospective athletes are required to come dressed in flipflops, sunglasses and are encouraged to have a competitive disregard for hitting passerby with the balls. Officials made a special note that wearing a suit to tryouts is strictly prohibited, acknowledging that this may be “emotionally challenging and difficult for some.”
All students are welcome to try out, but only the fiercest, most-competitive spike-ballers will be recruited.
Spikey Quadman is a second-year student (and now Division I athlete) studying spikeball and good times.
4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
