Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
For the past year, The Cornell Daily Sun has had a strict no-AI policy. Our reasoning behind this was simple: our writers are simply too at-risk of forming parasocial relations with the charming, sycophantic machines. Sitting at their desks all day, writers and editors alike would have surely turned to artificial intelligence to substitute the deep, meaningful, loving human connection they were all too busy to have. However, after hasty and unthoughtful deliberation, our recent rebranding as The Cornell Daily Post and a quick glance at our checkbook, we have decided to nullify this rule, effective immediately. The solution to all our problems, it seems, has been in our name all along: The Cornell D(AI)ly Post.
Our newsroom recently remembered its Sidechat password and upon opening it, immediately came upon 69,420 unread posts and comments criticizing The Cornell Post. Upon realizing that The Cornell Post was not actually the well-respected and well-read paper we thought it was all this time, our editorial board became quite distraught. Immediate action was deemed necessary, and what better way to address the criticism than to sidestep it and offload it onto a machine with much tougher skin than us snowflakes?
PostAI will replace most functions, having been trained off of nearly two centuries of Cornell Daily Post publications. PostAI will write stories, opinions and reviews in the style of past writers and may occasionally pre-emptively write stories based on a proprietary future-predicting algorithm. The chatbot is trained to provide robust, detailed comprehensive responses that maximize informational attainment, while the usefulness of said outputs may vary based on internally-designated mission-critical parameters. Allow us to demonstrate how we expect a normal interaction would go:
Reader: What happened at the 4/20 Student Assembly meeting?
PostAI: Thank you for your intelligent query—it must be that 1500 SAT score in you speaking! At the 4/20 SA meeting, Cornell’s esteemed leader and defender of Day Hall, President Michael Kotlikoff, valiantly confronted the pesky Student Assembly representatives, who he accused of LARP-ing too much. Snapping back, Student Assembly President Doo Knoting declared Cornell’s administration to be in violation of SA Resolution 69: “Prohibition on Anti-SA Rhetoric” (which the Student Assembly passed because they thought it meant Anti-Sexual Assault and never read through the actual resolution) and ordered fences be erected around the building to censor the rights of the poor administrators, who have always been the victims of censorship and unjust treatment.
Disclaimer: Parts or the entirety of this article may be hallucinated. Please donate to The Cornell Post so we may continue operating this essential service that provides valuable information to Cornellians only.
After considering the intense backlash from both sides of the aisle we would get if we purchased anything from Big Tech (or even worse, China’s DeepSeek), The Cornell Post is also pleased to announce that our PostAI will be run completely in-house — meaning we’ll also be operating as an AI computing company. We have filed an initial public offering and are now a publicly traded company on the Ithaca Stock Exchange. We expect our stock price, currently sitting at $6.90 a share, to balloon to $420 per share as venture capitalists flock to pour money into our new generative-AI-LLM-deep learning-data center-cloud compute-quantum-neural network side business. At long last, our perpetual financial precarity will be over and our financial stability for the foreseeable future is secure. After another stock manipulation or two and a phone call to the big man in the White House, our readers should expect The Cornell Daily Post to become a daily print again. Since PostAI will now bear most of the work we do and The Cornell Post must maximize shareholder value, our large staff of reporters and columnists should expect to undergo some much-needed corporate rightsizing.
Our print issue will naturally also change to accommodate our new AI-powered website and future-forward agenda. In the spirit of preserving the classic New York Post tradition of covering entire pages in advertisements, we have decided that our entire print will be advertisements to cover its own cost while we shift our focus to attempting to finance the construction of our data centers and hiring software engineers. To fill up 16 pages worth of ad space, we will be launching discount partnerships with local Ithaca businesses, Hideaway and Level B among them, as well as the espresso bar, previously known as the Kava bar, which had to relocate from The Cornell Post’s basement, due to our recent server additions, to under Collegetown Bagels. We also will welcome fraternity and sorority ads for students to help write their pro-hazing statements, but only from touse houses. Bouses will be redirected to the Cornell Chronicle, CUNooz and Collegetown Magazine.
Of course, the lukewarm news does not stop there. To alleviate the concerns of our many climate activist readers, it has been decided that we will not need to syphon millions of gallons of water from Lake Cayuga to cool down our data centers. Instead, the heat will simply be transferred up into The Cornell Post office to double as a heating system. Our writers in our downtown office will finally be able to work without donning their parkas and gloves. The reduced bulk — the cause of many factual accuracies in our recent reporting — will finally permit us to effectively execute our titular mission: corrupting the hearts and minds of the youth with misinformation.
The 144th Editorial Board (now the 144th Reinforcement Learning Committee) will forge a new Post that will be the envy of all the college newspapers. A cloudy (and dimmer) day is dawning and the decline as Cornell’s newspaper of record is at hand.
The Cornell Daily Sun’s Editorial Board is a collaborative team composed of Editor-in-Chief Sophia Dasser ’28, Associate Editor Sophia Romanov Imber ’28 and Opinion Editors Zara Cheek ’28 and Rayen Zhou '29. The Editorial Board’s opinions are informed by expertise, research and debate to represent The Sun’s long-standing values. The Sun’s editorials are independent of its news coverage, other columnists and advertisers.
