Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
If you aren’t like other girls, you probably are looking for music to set you apart from the crowd, something underground that you can confidently listen to knowing no one could possibly music-mog you. This “underground music” that you yearn to vibe to, unfortunately, has been brought to the surface for all of the normies to enjoy, thanks to the matcha-drinking, book-reading performative men. EsDeeKid, fakemink and PinkPantheress don’t only exist in your private Spotify playlist anymore, but are being streamed in the wired headphones of millions of men who love feminist literature.
Don’t worry, all is not lost. As an expert DJ who hosts banger sets every Friday on the third floor of Donlon (pull up, it’s the room with vinyls on the wall), I know my way around music. While I don’t have a deck, speaker, turntable or mixer, my laptop does the trick, spitting out certified underground hits. Sit back, relax and let me put you on to a select few tracks I’ve been loving recently.
1. Taylor Swift: “Cruel Summer”
Starting off strong, this one is so underground you’ll feel like a naked mole rat scurrying through miles of subterranean tunnel systems. Embody your scorching sand puppy environment with lyrics like “fever dream high in the night.” The warmth of the summer and the depth of the tunnel is sure to impress those above ground, who are certainly not niche enough to burrow for unknown music.
2. Taylor Swift: “Blank Space”
A narrative of manipulative, frenzied love, this track beckons you into the nearest underground bunker in fear of Swift’s insanity. Hiding under the East Wing of the White House in the newly-renovated Presidential Emergency Operations Center is the safest way to enjoy this unknown masterpiece. Luckily, state-of-the-art security keeps streams low and listening aura high.
3. Taylor Swift: “Lover”
“Can I go where you go?” Swift questions, and you’ll run down the steps of your nearest subway station to commute to your lover. The slow and steady drumbeat mimics the train’s knocks and thumps. It’s clear Swift didn’t anticipate a large audience for the track; she just knew it’d be underground — a subway soliloquy.
4. Taylor Swift: “Anti-Hero”
Although you haven’t heard this one, it surely speaks to the wonders of underground music. Swift breaks the fourth wall by telling a “tale as old as time,” referencing Plato’s ~360 B.C.E. story of the underwater city, Atlantis — her “favorite city.” The city, just like her music, is below the surface. Clearly, her deficiency in fame is made up for in lyrical and philosophical intellect. A quick Linkedin search will even reveal her honorary Doctor of Fine Arts!
5. Taylor Swift: “Shake It Off”
This upbeat track will send you down into the Catacombs of Paris for an electric dance party with the rumored catacomb cannibals. I don’t doubt that it could awaken the six million skeletons buried in the underground labyrinth. “Shake It Off” will definitely be featured in my next set; it’ll rock all of campus, even resurrecting Ezra Cornell and A.D. White for an arts quad rave.
6. Taylor Swift: “Style”
The timelessness of both the song and the subject matter immediately brings to mind the Terracotta Army of the First Emperor of China, Qin Shihuang. Over 7,000 figures exist in his tomb, clad in uniform attire, a fashion that never goes “out of style.” Further supporting Swift’s intellectual genius and academic roots, the track places the listener in an underground space, acknowledging its status in the music world.
7. Taylor Swift: “Look What You Made Me Do”
Swift’s terrifying tune of lover’s revenge is sure to spike your cortisol. Like “Blank Space,” Swift sends listeners underground in this underground track. A hideout deep below the surface is your best bet.
8. Taylor Swift: “Love Story”
This niche, heartwarming song depicts two star-crossed lovers who so desperately want to be together despite fate’s cruel hand. Like the underwater fiber optics cables that connect continents for internet communication, all the couple wishes to do is make that connection.
I won’t give you the playlist, make your own.
Luna Rex-Plosion is a sophomore at Cornell dedicated to making niche Spotify playlists and listening to her favorite artists like Taylor Swift and The Chainsmokers. She can be reached at lunarexplosion@cornellsun.com.
4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
