Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
Your dorm kitchen is where you go to fill your Brita, steal leftovers from the people on your floor and experiment with cooking because you never learned. But have you ever considered that it is also the perfect space to skin a bear? I guess you could do it in your actual dorm room, but then you risk staining your sheets or even the carpeting on the floor, which could add more expenses to your bursar bill. The beauty of your dorm’s kitchen is that it is already disgusting. There is plenty of counter space and a decently sized refrigerator to make sure your bear meat stays fresh. It’s truly a no-brainer!
Though you may be wondering: Why skin a bear? Typically, people bake cookies or brownies in their dorm kitchen, but this is quite frankly a wasted use of time and space. Skinning a bear leaves you not only with delicious meat to help you reach your daily protein goals, but also a hide that can be used for a chic fur coat or rug to accessorize your room. In honor of our unofficial mascot, it is also the best way to express your Cornell pride. Go Big Red!
The Hunt: Picking The Best Bear
First, you must hunt down the perfect bear. But to do this, you will have to acquire some bait — preferably something sweet. The cookies, honey, ice cream, cakes and granola from the dining halls are great options for this. I would suggest the frozen fruit, but let’s keep it real: If we won’t eat it, then how can we expect the bear to?
After gathering your bait, you are ready to venture out into the forest. Ithaca has no shortage of hills, so find an incline and scatter your bait in a low-laying area. This way you will have a clear view from above. You may also want to consider taping pictures of the Care Bears or Winnie-the-Pooh to the trees in order to make your trap more enticing. It can take a while for a bear to pass along, so I recommend bringing some snacks and a friend. You’re going to need extra energy and hands to carry your prize back onto the bus anyways.
Once you have collected your bear of choice, it is time to head back to campus.
Prep the Kitchen
This goes without being said, but we like to keep it classy here. You are going to want to lay a tarp over the counters to make the cleanup process easier. After setting up a station for yourself, you’re ready to begin. No one enjoys having hair in their food (let alone fur), so it is imperative that you remember to separate all of the hide from the meat.
While there will be more meat than can be fitted into your mini fridge, the communal kitchen fridge has plenty of space. Storing it here is also a great way to show-off your super cool hunting skills and impress the people in your dorm. Afterwards, the hide can be washed in your dorm’s shower to rid it of the dorm kitchen's germs. If you’re concerned about contaminating the bathroom, never fear: that’s what shower shoes are for!
Recipes?
This is where you can be creative as there are a ton of delicious recipes to experiment with your bear meat. Bear stew is a classic choice, but you can also prepare pot roasts, pulled bear meat, tacos, burgers, chili, meatballs and kebabs. If you have dietary restrictions or just aren’t that hungry, there are still many things to do with the hide. Rugs, coats, stuffed animals, scarfs, blankets, shoulder mounts, mittens, socks — the forest is the limit!
Bear skinning, hunting and crafting is one of the most profound hobbies you can engage with. If anyone is interested in learning more or becoming involved with it as a resume-building extracurricular, I will be hosting meetings in the forest on Wednesday nights (right before Fishbowls). Hope to see you there!
Barelee Hunter is a freshman at Cornell dedicated to on-campus recipes and cooking skills. Need more advice? Send an inquiry to howtohunt@cornellsun.com
4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
