Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
As students and staff across campus gear up for one hundred and four days of summer vacation, University administrators announced plans for a recruitment event with Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. in Barton Hall at 4:20 p.m. on Monday.
The event seeks to “provide bright-minded and morally-disinclined students a chance to learn more about the opportunities offered by the world’s leading platform for engineering and nefarious scheming in Tri-State Area domination,” according to Doofenshmirtz Inc.’s Fist Bump page.
Students will be able to test out Doofenshmirtz’s newest technologies, including the “slip-on-the-Thurston-Bridge-inator,” “fail-a-prelim-inator” and the “car-break-down-inator.”
Several student activist organizations on campus, including the Cornell Hates Doofenshmirtz Association, have already expressed plans to demonstrate at the recruitment event.
“Show up and show out with us outside Barton Hall,” an Instagram post by CHDA states. “Brown fedoras are encouraged.”
While CHDA has called upon Cornell to end its alignment with Doofenshmirtz Inc., University administrators reaffirm their commitment to diverse opinions on campus.
“Cornell supports the ability of students to receive opportunities across a wide range of careers," a University spokesperson wrote. “With this in mind, anyone attempting to deny others of this opportunity will be found in violation of our Restrictive Activity Policy.”
Doofenshmirtz was recently found in the center of a Department of Justice investigation after he refused to sell his “evil devices” to the Trump administration.
“Sure, some would call me evil, but no way I would ever sell my stuff to those guys,” Doofenshmirtz said in an interview with The Sun. “It hurts that people would think that low of me.”
Doofenshmirtz himself will not be present at his company’s recruitment event at Cornell because he had to attend his daughter Vanessa’s a cappella concert and think about his childhood.
“While Dr. Doofenshmirtz is unable to join us, we are beyond excited to showcase to students some of the most innovative, cutting-edge technology out there,” Doofenshmirtz Inc. wrote to The Sun.
This article was not written in consultation with or approved by The Walt Disney Company.
Pear E. Platt is a first-year student studying disguise and marsupials.
4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
