The University will dedicate $1 billion in federal funding to embrace homogeneity, inequity and exclusion as part of the academic theme for the 2025-2026 school year, according to a fax sent to the Cornell community on Sunday, April 31.
Under the academic theme year, students and faculty are expected to embrace the spirit of HIE. Some of the initiatives launching this fall include: a common NetID for all undergraduate students, food rations proportional by tax brackets and senior-only libraries according to the fax signed by President Michael Kotlikoff. Additionally, all undergraduate students will have to change their names to “Michael” to comply with the homogeneity.
“The decision was all mine. I just thought everyone should have the same name to avoid confusion,” Kotlikoff said. “Michael is a beautiful name, a wonderful name.”
Dining halls will now operate under a caste system, where all students will be assigned a number based on their need for aid on their initial application. If students have a net worth of over $500,000, they will have access to all dining halls and unlimited meal swipes.
Those whose families have a net worth under $100,000 will have one ration of Okenshields lunch leftovers a day. University administrators said the move would encourage students to take advantage of other side jobs to “get their bread up.”
“We have a looming recession. It is just a matter of time until the ‘brokies’ have to adapt to eating like back in the good old days when America was great,” a student who just qualified for the unlimited meal plan said. “Maybe they can start an OnlyFans or something to add some zeros to their accounts.”
While upperclassmen used to have preference over housing and class selection before, they will now have the ability to vote for certain buildings to bar underclassmen from accessing them.
“We just thought we would bring back meritocracy. Those who have paid the most will get access to services, with no more freeloading for those freshmen who keep walking in the middle of the sidewalk,” Dean of Students Marla Love said.
The University’s new pep chant will also change as a result of the fax announcement.
“Cornell HIE!” will become the new school chant at all sports events.
Mike M. Michael was formerly in the College of Engineering before all students were integrated into the College of Arts and Sciences to ensure homogeneity. He can be reached at mmm1880@cornell.edu (along with all other students).
Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
