After weeks glued to ESPN+ for a never-ending postseason run, fans of Cornell men’s hockey have re-emerged into society with one question: What’s next for Schafe?
Head coach Mike Schafer ’86 has spent the past 30 years of his life behind the Cornell bench. Though speculation circulated about whether he was moving to the women’s hockey program, Cornell Athletics has debunked the rumor. A spokesperson stated that despite Schafer’s knowledge of the game, he simply lacks the expertise required for a superior squad.
In a press conference this Monday, Schafer addressed questions about his post-retirement plans.
“I was looking at Puerto Rico,” Schafer said. “But I heard the beaches had already been overrun by sorority girls on spring break.”
Not quite ready to part with a career in full-contact sports, Schafer delivered a shocking message to fans used to his constant presence at Lynah Rink. Last Monday, the hockey legend officially announced his entry into the WWE ring.
The Sun received exclusive access to a training session between Schafer and the legendary coach Terry Taylor.
“It all started with the brawl against Dartmouth,” Schafer said. “Just getting right in there with all those swinging fists was exhilarating. Terry saw the reel and said he saw real potential in me.”
After men’s hockey suffered a brutal 6-1 loss to Dartmouth on home turf, members of the Big Green skated over to taunt the Lynah Faithful. In response, the Red hopped the bench and prompted a full-team skirmish.
Schafer joined in after witnessing a Dartmouth player taunting the pep band.
“I was like, ‘sure,’ to the punching,” Schafer said after the match. “It happens in hockey. But the second they threatened the source of the little jingle that plays before every power play, I knew it was serious.”
Mere weeks later, the Red hosted Yale for the opening match of the ECAC tournament on March 8. When a Bulldog forward sprayed senior goalkeeper Ian Shane with a sharp stop right before the goal, Cornell leapt to its goaltender’s defense, prompting a six-member brawl.
Schafer joined the fray with a solid hit to the face of Ron Grayson, one of three officials present to break up the fight. In the aftermath of the action, Schafer claimed regret, but onlookers noted the sparkle of adrenaline in his eyes.
“I’ll be tuning in for every fight,” Grayson said, still sporting a black eye at time of publication, on Schafer’s WWE prospects. “That guy’s got a mean right hook.”
With a training regimen that currently consists of bench pressing hockey sticks, kickboxing goalie pads, and trying not to fall on the ice, Schafer plans to base his wrestling persona on his experience coaching Ivy League hockey. According to Taylor, the key to being a successful fighter is building a solid foundation before moving outside of the comfort zone.
Potential ring names for the former head coach will be subject to a vote by all men’s hockey season ticket holders. Nominations released so far have included Mike “Icing” Schafer and Whitelaw Outlaw.
Schafer’s debut is scheduled to take place against YouTuber Jake Paul at 8 p.m. on June 8. Tickets for the Performance Center in Orlando, Florida are available now. The match will be streamed live on ESPN+.
Betty Gainz is a student athlete in the comms department and can be reached at Gainz@cornellsun.com.
Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
