Dear Cornellians,
April 17 2024 marked the seventh anniversary of Martha Pollack’s presidency at Cornell and it marked the first day we began to develop plans to abandon our alleged journalistic mission and embrace our new role as a semi-cooperative P.R. content farm led by Jade, staffed by our very own SOT columnists.
This was a difficult decision, made after discovering that not a single student knew where to pick up a print copy of the Sun. Indeed, we began deliberating over it during our last budget meeting, as the office was heated solely through Bong Joon Bro’s blunts all winter, after finding out our main benefactor cut us off over our last purchase of 10 red Birkins for each editor during Q3. We formally made the call after a skinny dip sesh in Beebe Lake where one editor declared that Ezra Cornell whispered to him, “Monetize” during his most recent acid trip.
But three times — as we were ready to proceed — we had to pause: first when Martha resigned (The Sun’s favorite president), second when our office printer caught fire by the Dickson arsonist and third when a reader emailed us his Reddit post saying that the Sun sounds like it was written by a bunch of junior highschoolers (we used Sun money to wipe our tears away). Enough is enough. Continued delay is not in the newspaper’s best interests, especially after the Trump administration’s surprise announcement of a funding freeze targeted explicitly as “leftist ink cults disguised as college newspapers.”
We were the only organization named, and we are honored.
Accordingly, we will now comply fully with all the Trump administration's demands.
- We have sold The Cornell Daily Sun office to our downstairs neighbor. It will now be owned by the Kava Bar, fully staffed by lowly writers. The editors will now work out of a single hammock on Libe Slope.
- Print editions will now be released once per zodiac season, in papyrus scroll form, and exclusively distributed via frisbee on the Arts Quad.
- In order to raise money for our content farm, we will be launching a new Sun-themed fragrance line: Eau de Ezra. Notes will include dust from Ezra’s tomb at Sage Chapel, incense from Temple of Zeus during midnight editing sessions and printer toner.
- We’ve formally applied for a liquor license. Our new name is The Cornell Daily (Bottomfull) Sun — truth is, we are run by demon twinks.
- In collaboration with Elon Musk and DOGE, we are developing an NFT project that includes every Sun op-ed that aged terribly. We will begin with slur-filled coverage from the 60s.
- In effort to improve our relationship with the Student Ass-embly, we have agreed to let them write half of our headlines in exchange for 1.5% of perfume purchases (cause why does it always stink in WSH). In return, we will exclusively refer to the Student Assembly as Mediocre Melodies #2.
- The News section will be staffed entirely by Binghamton transfers, allowing The Sun’s reputation to be redeemed once again. The rest of The Sun will be written purely by Grok (ChatGPT is anti-DOGE).
- The Opinion section will be rebranded as Batshit Babes and all columnists must include at least two unverifiable anecdotes and a poorly-scripted reenactment of Miranda Sings apology video that we will send out one minute after the piece is published (to curb any hate mail).
- We have partnered with The Yellow Deli, Cornell’s most beloved white supremacist-themed cult cafe, to launch a new campus feature called Bit-Sized Bigotry, featuring our favorite racist moments in reels.
- All Letter to the Editor submissions must be accompanied by a love haiku to Sophia Dasser.
- We will no longer publish on Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays no matter how important the news is. We need to sleep — or go out — and maybe if we slept you would see less typos.
Lastly, we’d like to reiterate that The Cornell Daily Sun is an dependent, elite-run publication pledging its allegiance to The New York Post and to the journalistic standards for which it stands, click bait, partisan and conservative values. Unless there is a higher bidder.
Until then, thank you for your readership. We accept Venmo, Cashapp, Crypto, and Zeus Chais.
In love and libel,
The Cornell Daily Sun 143rd-ish Editorial Board
Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
