My darling freshmen, it’s time for your first existential crisis!
During the great torture that is the Common Application process, you had to pick a major. But how to decide? Do you pick what interests you or what your college counselor says is best? Luckily for you, at Cornell, you are initially only trapped within a college. Choosing between internal schools is often the least important decision, right? You pick the easiest major to get into, and you can just change it when you get on campus. So simple!
That is, until you find yourself reloading the website, absolutely stunned by your college’s distribution requirements and your major’s core classes. College of Arts and Sciences? Yes, you need to study a foreign language. Pre-med? Kiss study abroad goodbye.
When you get on campus, you’ll hear the same monotonous introductory questions: Where are you from? What dorm are you in? What major are you? Oh, what do you want to do with that? [Insert minimal job prospects answer.] Conversations fade into the background… Westchester, Donlon, government, lawyer (of course). … Bay Area, High Rise 5, Dyson, consulting (naturally).
These questions are perfect for Orientation Week and navigating the start of classes, but the repetitiveness starts to wear away at the questions’ significance, and even in your junior and senior years, they won’t go away. It’s sort of like family holidays: You come up with an answer just to get out of the conversation, but then the answer becomes your reality, and all of a sudden you’re pre-law.
So, to celebrate the start of a new school year, let’s discuss what your college says about you. Let’s also examine job opportunities before the Bermuda Triangle of Talent (consulting, finance, Big Law) captures us all.
College of Arts and Sciences
Starting off strong, we have Arts and Sciences: the college where a double or triple major is more frequent than an internship offer. Joking … I promise.
If you’re in A&S (emphasis on the ampersand), you’re ambitious and enjoy a variety of courses. Don’t fret; that variety is imposed. The downside of such a large college is that it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle. It’s the only college you can apply undecided to, so for all you indecisive people, you’re just delaying the inevitable. You can procrastinate your homework, but no one wants to see a ninth-semester senior.
You probably spend all your time in the Arts Quad or only take classes adjacent to your major. But that’s no fun. Instead of letting A&S consume you, try getting a taste of courses away from the quad. Sure, we’re all going to take HADM 4300: “Introduction to Wines,” but why not sample a business-focused course? There is really no need to zero in on one field; we won’t all go into academia. Actually, we can’t. Have you seen those terminated Grad PLUS loans? So, I take what I said back: Let’s surrender to the Bermuda Triangle of Talent. Who are we kidding? It was bound to happen anyway.
Cornell SC Johnson College of Business
Speaking of business, we have the SC Johnson College of Business, which includes the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management and the Nolan School of Hotel Administration. But Dyson for undergrads is under the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences? I don’t know; I’m still very confused, but oh well.
If you’re in Dyson or Hotel, you must love wearing a suit. Which reminds me: FIND A SUIT! (Cornell offers resources for free rentals!) You’ll need it for club recruitment and job recruitment and interviews and presentations and, oh goodness, when are you not wearing a suit? Probably when you’re traveling because you all seem to leave early for every break. This comes from a place of envy.
The stereotype for Dyson kids and Hotelies is that your rigorous coursework demands proficient knowledge in the politics of coloring books and artisanal craftsmanship of folded towel swans, but that’s too reductionistic, so I’ll opt for something better: Excel sheets, food & bev and LinkedIn. Y’all love coffee chats but probably don’t have a stable coffee order, and that’s okay. We can’t all be baristas. Don’t worry — the English majors will hold down the fort.
College of Agriculture and Life Sciences
Oh, CALS, I can’t tell if you love the environment in an “I study sustainability” way or an “I support data centers” way. You’re probably all following the ever-changing legal environment that does not care about the environment. When you’re not hugging trees, you’re admiring how sustainable Cornell is with all of the flights we take to reach Ithaca and escape it. You’re in a great college to help the world, but the world seems to be hell-bent on ending. Save the bees, I guess.
College of Architecture, Art and Planning
For your sake, I hope you have insomnia. If you’re in AAP, you are committed to late nights and impossible projects. (Is your sleep paralysis demon Touchdown in a dorm kitchen, too?) You get your own cubicle (apparently exclusive to archies), which probably seems cool, but I think you’ll get sick of it pretty quickly — maybe you’ll be lucky enough to get a desk by a window, though! You also have impeccable fashion taste; by far, AAP outfits dominate Green Dragon and Temple of Zeus cafe. What would Cornell do without its AAP students? Build another Uris Hall, probably.
Cornell Ann S. Bowers College of Computing and Information Science
What a great time to be in CIS when AI is taking over. The word “pivot” has been uttered maybe a thousand times since the latest Opus update, but, hey, at least you get to use AI in your Big Tech interviews, right? Wrong. But maybe slapping the word AI and exposing every API key in your terribly vibe-coded app will save you from the atrocities of tech recruitment … just call yourself a founder, and you’re all set! Some things, however, will never change. Computer science majors will still find a way to have a superiority complex over information science majors, yeah, we get it — you took Algos; you’ll still end up working the same exact job (i.e., “Stealth Founder”, i.e., unemployed). If you have any early classes, which you will since Algos has been offered only at 9 a.m. for the past four years, I hope you’re a morning person, because that walk to Gates from North is loooonnnnggggg. You do have Gimme Coffee!, though, one of the best and most expensive spots on campus!
Cornell David A. Duffield College of Engineering
Every time I enter Duffield Hall, I have the growing suspicion that everyone has been studying there for more than 12 hours (and hasn’t showered for triple that). If you’re studying engineering, you’re likely glued to your computer. If you think you can escape the horrors of club recruitment in engineering, you can’t. Project team recruitment might make you question everything, but once you’re in, it might be the one place you actually get to “do” engineering. And don’t worry, it becomes your whole life. Sayonara to your social life. Because if you study engineering, your friends won’t hear the end of it. I can still hear the echoes of project teams, problem sets and prelims even in the summer.
College of Human Ecology
I’m going to be honest here, I only think of fashion when it comes to HumEc. Considering how chic Thread Magazine and Cornell Fashion Collective are, I don’t mind y’all getting your own college. Yes, yes, we cannot neglect human development and the nutritional sciences, but are you guys also getting down with your OOTDs? I didn’t think so.
Besides rivaling the AAP students’ style, you also rival A&S for the easiest (and fakest) pre-med track; I’m looking at you, human biology, health + society.
If you’re in HumEc, you probably thought about studying sociology before realizing it’s a Ponzi scheme.
School of Industrial and Labor Relations (ILR)
If you’re an ILRie, you probably think you’re better than the people studying government in A&S or more ethical than the business majors in Dyson, but we all know that most of you don’t care about unions. You settled here rather than the other colleges either because you’re an athlete or pre-law, applied just to transfer out, are actively transferring out to restore your self-confidence or are staying for the alumni connections. Your choice, no other options.
Try to make friends because you’ll be seeing the same faces again and again. Only when you get those core requirements done by your junior year will you meet new people. I also hope you love reading, because there really isn’t anything else you’ll ever be doing this year.
Cornell Jeb E. Brooks School of Public Policy
Last, but certainly not least, the college that wants to save the world but ends up compromising anything for that government internship.
Apparently, A&S students can also major in public policy, so I’m not sure what the point of Brooks is.
You’re either working on a policy brief, memo or navigating Washington, D.C. through LinkedIn. And you'll always talk politics. Forgive me if all your theories about UFOs, lizards, assassinations and Big Pharma are ruining the date.
I do love Martha’s Cafe; I’ll give you that. Those power greens bowls are worth all the insufferable debates about universal healthcare. I’d even entertain a conversation about your dream policy that you would, of course, implement after your future presidential inauguration.
