Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
Touchdown the Bear was seen entering Collegetown Dispensary at around 11:54 p.m. on Sunday, according to a curious onlooker. A few minutes later, she reportedly left the establishment with multiple pre-rolls, Sour Green Apple x Sour Diesel Live Resin Gummies and a gleam of mischief in her eyes.
The onlooker, who was granted anonymity by The Sun due to concerns that the dispensary will figure out their real age, said they saw Touchdown perusing the aisles of the facility as they were buying a new weed cart.
“I saw this large bear in the aisle next to me, and I was like woah, I’m pretty sure that’s Touchdown,” the onlooker said. “She’s like 100 years old, so it’s fine or whatever. I’m honestly glad that she’s a chiller, considering the current [Cornell] administration.”
Although the onlooker said they tried giving the beloved mascot her space, they “couldn’t help but ask her what her plans were for the night.” In response, they claimed that Touchdown gave him a high five, chuckled and said, “Just a good night, man.”
The onlooker said they stalked Touchdown for “just a bit longer,” following her out of the store and hiding in D.P. Dough as she bought some shrimp crisps, Marlboro Reds, original Skittles and Strawberry ‘Rita BuzzBallz from 7/11.
After leaving the store, Touchdown waved at some friends in the distance, jogging over to them and taking the hand of a fellow bear as they laughed and cracked jokes together.
“It was like a scene from a coming-of-age movie,” the onlooker said. “Some weed, cigs and drinks mixed with spending time with your fellow bear-friends — the perfect 4/20, in my opinion.”
In an exclusive interview with The Sun, Touchdown told her side of the story. She delved into her night, which she said was “full of friends, laughter and hella weed.”
With the pressures of being the spokesperson for an academically rigorous university, Touchdown said it was nice to “let go” and “rip some straight ganja with my beautiful friends and girlfriend.”
“Yeah, I mean, it’s nice to just chill out every once in a while,” Touchdown said. “Cornell’s a stressful place, and after seeing the light leave the eyes of one too many promising students as they make the midnight trek from Olin [library] to Uris [library], I deserve to relax, jeez.”
Touchdown said she and her friends spent the evening stoking a bonfire at a buddy’s place, getting “belligerently high and wasted” as the night carried on. Her favorite part, she said, was when her “longtime smoking buddy” Simone Ella smoked a joint and a Marlboro at once.
“Honestly, it looked really cool, and we got some sick photos,” Touchdown said. “She did proceed to eat like twenty bags of shrimp chips and sing a ton of [My Chemical Romance] and Nickleback, but it was pretty awesome.”
When asked about Touchdown’s 4/20 activities, President Michael Kotlikoff said he was not aware of the situation.
“Touchdown is not representative of our University values,” Kotlikoff said. “Oh, and say no to drugs and remain neutrally sober, kids.”
In response, Touchdown said Kotlikoff “needs to loosen up” and “try some of the new strain I’ve been getting — it’s called Gorilla Glue and has such a high Indica content.”
“I advise students to have fun,” Touchdown said, while pulling out some rolling paper. “Life’s short. Get high.”
Mariella Jane is a second-year studying weed and bears.
4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
