Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
Do you want to know what’s going to happen to you? Do you need guidance on what steps to take in the future? Look no further than these predictions based on your horoscope! Guaranteed to be 100% accurate or your money back.
Aries (March 21–April 20): As an Aries, your upcoming year will be a time of stagnation. You will remain the same age for the entire rest of 2026 and for at least three months of 2027. Although this may seem limiting in your life progression, stay strong through these trials. By Spring 2027, you will finally reach the milestone of a new age.
Taurus (April 21–May 20): Tauruses are heading into a time of major discovery. While traversing the Arts Quad in the sunny days of the upcoming Fall semester, you’re going to fall through the ground and discover the mythical tunnels between Olin Library, Uris Library and Goldwin Smith Hall. Unfortunately, you’ll be unable to escape. Enjoy your new residence!
Gemini (May 21–June 20): For Geminis, a period of revelation is on the horizon. Your longstanding beliefs will be challenged and your ways of thinking shifted. This epiphany may take the form of finally realizing that the Earth is flat, or that the government faked the moon landing.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): Cancers are resonating with time itself at this moment. Take some time to relax tonight, lie down in the dark and allow yourself to lose consciousness. You’ll find that you’ve manipulated the flow of time and, when you awaken, you will have skipped forward into tomorrow! Use this power with caution.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): For Leos, you are entering a period where you should be taking advantage of opportunities that come your way. This will look like scouting among your fellow Cornellians to find out who has a car, befriending them and texting them incessantly to drive you places (only texting them to drive you places; friendship is for losers). You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Virgos, now is when you should be making big money moves. Success is coming your way. This will take the form of requesting the College of Arts & Sciences to be named after you, which the administration will grant with no questions asked. Congratulations on the new namesake.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Having trouble interpreting this one. Check back later.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 22): In the very near future, you will be faced with a decision between two paths. Be sure to choose the one that does not end in a “No Winter Maintenance” sign. Because apparently it’s still snowing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23–Dec. 21): Sagittariuses, mayhap now is the time to start correcting the people around you and asserting your intellectual dominance by using archaic forms of English. Mayhap, interestingly enough, is the correct form of the word. You may be confused, seeing that most people tend to say ‘mayhaps,’ if they use the term at all. This would be incorrect and a conflation with the word ‘perhaps.’ The more you know!
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): You are looking at some upcoming disappointments, although they will be expected ones. Your friends are going to forget your birthday again because they’ll be so busy with their families over the winter break holidays. They’ll be going on trips and be unable to attend your birthday party, so you’ll just give up on having one. You’ll book a three-person reservation at The Cheesecake Factory with your parents (the only two people who show up to your birthday because they’re obligated to), then you’ll shed a tear that will extinguish the single candle shoved haphazardly into a slice of mediocre cheesecake. Your friends will be too broke to buy you presents, or they’ll combine your Christmas and birthday presents into one. Enjoy.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 19): Your surroundings will influence who you are this year. Be careful. You are becoming Ezra Cornell.
Pisces (Feb. 20–March 20): Oh no.
Astro Loger is a freshman at Cornell dedicated to exploring your future. File a complaint or send a compliment at astromenow@cornellsun.com
4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
