Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
This is a developing story.
In a shocking turn of events, Touchdown the Bear was spotted removing her head, revealing a still unidentified human inside on Monday morning.
This revelation comes after concerns raised by Touchdown’s caretakers, who recently became uneasy after a routine hibernation check-up on the friendly bear.
“I really began to get a little worried when Touchdown asked for matcha,” said Bay Erspotter, one of Touchdown’s caretakers. “I should also add that Touchdown would occasionally ask if anyone had a USB-C charger, since according to Touchdown, the den was ‘so 80’s.’”
Touchdown has been a campus hero since first appearing over a hundred years ago as a baby bear cub. As Touchdown grew older, the bear began to walk the campus grounds, demonstrate impressive gymnastics skills and show an apt understanding of the hockey team’s plays.
“Touchdown always demonstrated high intelligence,” said Dale E. Sunn, Touchdown’s main caretaker. “For as long as I can remember, Touchdown even had the ability to speak, although the bear’s accent would occasionally change. Touchdown had just begun speaking in a thick New York accent.”
Just days ago, Touchdown was likely interacting with students all over campus who would have never suspected this curveball from the noble bear.
At this moment, it is still unclear when the switch was made, or if Touchdown ever was a real bear.
Touchdown has not returned to her den since the last checkup, according to Sunn, who shared that he doesn’t know how Cornell will function without her.
It is likely that Touchdown is still somewhere in the nearby woods, and it is unclear if the bear plans to ever return to campus. The bear left behind all of her personal belongings, which included an Apple Watch, a notebook with “physics notes” written on the cover and most alarmingly, an empty bear sampler box from Nasties.
While the identity of the Touchdown impostor still remains unknown and unable to be confirmed by The Sun, students have begun speculating who has replaced Cornell’s beloved four-legged bear.
As of now, anyone and everyone on campus is a suspect.
Bey Risfake is a third-year student studying school spirit and costume design.
4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
