CARUSO | We Need to Negotiate Better

After President Trump’s most recent series of failures to secure a quick peace between Russia and Ukraine, there are likely no more Americans who believe peace will be easily achieved in the region. Its use of new-age drone warfare has reduced the cost necessary to produce war and increased the costs  of participating in one. 

Most recently, after demands for $200 million in payment from Harvard University were stalling, the White House withdrew this demand and President Trump replaced it with a $1 billion demand instead. The reaction from Harvard was predictable: they reeled. Their trust (whatever small amount they had) was broken and they dug in defensively. This is the effect of negotiating poorly.

According to the Institute for Economics and Peace, the world is again experiencing the most conflict since World War II. While these are not all driven by an inability to communicate and often involve very real grievances, our inability to communicate effectively perpetuates them. These issues range from intrastate ideological disputes to international strategic run-ins and more. 

The world’s challenges require us to rise to the occasion and it’s not going to be threats that make the world a more peaceful place — it’s negotiation. I argue that while this is the skill we’ll need for the future, we’re getting worse at it. However, it’s not too late to change that. 

We’re Getting Worse at Negotiating

First, the popularity of ‘ghosting’ others we dislike has socially commodified disengagement at the prospect of difficult conversations. Among Gen-Z and Millenials, 84% have been ghosted before and 67% have done it themselves. This includes the act of ‘cutting people out’ of our lives for reasons other than protecting ourselves from those who harm us. Given its popularity in the job search process, it’s certainly not confined to social interactions. 

The culprit is disengagement. Negotiation, and more broadly conflict resolution, requires us to stay engaged in a conflict, understand and confront our triggers and face an interaction that may scare us. These are what we call ‘difficult’ or ‘brave’ conversations. Ghosting is psychologically easier because it’s an accessible method of escape from that difficulty. 

It has always been easy to ‘ghost’ someone or simply run away from a disagreement or negotiation, but it has become worse in a digital age where blocking, reporting and deleting are now tools to deal with conflict. These functions of our devices are good and have their legitimate place — particularly when protecting ourselves from those seeking to cause harm — but are not a legitimate means of dealing with a potentially difficult conversation. 

Studies have shown that this behavior is increasingly popular outside of simply our dating lives. We need to have more brave conversations on a daily basis. I believe that these are the practices we get before we get to the big leagues (whatever that may mean to you!). 

Second, our leaders and influencers are awful examples and copying them is leading to sub-average results. From the White House and Congress to influencers and superhero movies, they all believe that the best and most important negotiation tactic is a ‘take it or leave it’ strategy. It’s simple: be firm in your position and aggressively dare your counterpart to turn you down, at threat of immense and potentially fatal consequences. It’s macho, it’s seemingly powerful, it’s claiming what’s yours.  

This is inefficient at best and dangerous at worst. Ultimatums have been shown to cause people to dig in or reject the ultimatum when it isn’t a fair offer. Often, people dig into defensive positions because they lose trust in who they’re dealing with, or they don’t take them seriously. According to this article, an ultimatum can feel “like a gun to the head.” This is exactly what’s happening at Harvard. 

Think about it: If you’re looking to pay someone to create a website for you and they demand that you pay them $1 million otherwise they’ll attempt to ruin your life, you probably wouldn’t do business with them, right? 

While it’s difficult to quantify by how much we are getting collectively worse at negotiating, it’s undeniable that we have made marginalization and disengagement easier. We are repeatedly told to be increasingly more uncompromising to get what we want. Fall not into this trap; bullies have no real friends. 

Here’s What to Do About It

The bottom line is that we all need to be better negotiators so we can work with the people around us to generate more value overall. The concept I’m describing here is a need to grow the pie, not divide it. 

If you have the opportunity, I recommend taking a negotiation or conflict resolution course here at Cornell University. They range in depth and purpose, but they will all do one essential thing: train you to prevent being taken advantage of. Another good option is formal training from an independent institute or company offering these services.

When you can’t access these other options and you’re looking for help in finding your way, I offer you a home that I’ve built for nearly two years: the Cornell Negotiation Student Society. It will never replace formal training, but it’s a place where workshops, simulations, guest speakers, competitions and friends will help you learn and practice your negotiation and conflict resolution skills. It’s a safe space where messing up is encouraged, yet pursuing excellence is required. We are built on one vision: to empower every Cornellian with negotiating confidence. We hope you’ll join us and build a world that needs people who know how to fix it. 

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