Dear Freshman,
Welcome to campus! I hope the first few weeks have been full of exciting adventures and plenty of new friends – and hopefully a few fun flings.
Now that you’ve all settled in, and homecoming is just around the corner, I feel it’s my duty to provide the Class of 2029 with some tips and tricks on navigating the (Big Red) sex scene. With over 16,000 undergraduate students, you have plenty of options.
The go-to option when you first get on campus. You’ll promise yourself you won’t get attached, but after spending an intimate night together after formal, you’ll realise you caught feelings. Sex with a fraternity guy is overhyped and underwhelming, especially when it's 3 a.m. and you’re both on (possibly more than a few) substances. Plus, the walk back to High Rise 5 is killer in 10-degree weather. However, if hooking up with one is necessary, I suggest finding a boy in a “mid-tier” fraternity – someone chill and not too weird, but also without an enormous ego. Just don’t be shocked when all his fraternity brothers hit you up when things inevitably end poorly. 2.
When hooking up with a sorority girl, prepare to be stressed out. You’ll be transported right back to high school when you walk past a group of her friends and they all look at you and giggle. If she invites you over to the house, everyone will see you coming and going. She’ll talk a big game at the party, but once you get back to the room she’s probably really shy. You never know what you’re gonna get, she may be down for a quick hookup or expect a bouquet of roses and dinner with the family. Either way, you’ll get to attend date night at Lot 10 and catch her staring at you in the library six months from now.
The (not so) hidden gem. Athletes truly make the best one-night-stands. With their gorgeous physique, endurance and perpetually busy schedule, you know you’re in for a good time with no commitment required. Not only will you have an amazing time, they might even get you some hockey game tickets. They will definitely kick you out after hooking up because they have practice in the morning, but the sex was so good it doesn’t even matter.
If you are looking for a normal, average hookup, I suggest this is where you focus your attention. ILR and Hotelies are the most fun and chill students, so they are a great option to hit up in between classes. Also, you might get invited to the Hotel Prom, where the Hotel seniors throw a formal dance for their friends Engineers probably don’t have time to mess around, but if they do, don’t expect too much. You might wake up in the middle of the night to them doing problem sets or bragging about how many credits they take. Pre-Med and Pre-Law students definitely have a work-hard play-hard mindset, which ends up making for a good fuck-buddy. They can be very freaky and down to try new things, but don’t expect a relationship to come out of this hookup – they are way to focused on balancing their LSAT or MCAT studies with getting fucked up on the weekends.
When swiping Tinder or Hinge, you will inevitably come across a townie or Ithaca College student. While it may seem fun to mess around with someone you know you won’t run into on campus, it is always safer to stick with Cornell students. But, if you do end up on the Ithaca College campus, the TCAT Route 11 bus should get you back to Cornell in time for your 8 a.m. class.
I hope these guidelines help you to make smart and informed decisions about your sex life here at Cornell, and especially help you achieve a few orgasms before Halloween. Remember to stay safe, always obtain consent and don’t hook up with your TA unless you know you’ll be getting an A+ out of it, because an orgasm is never guaranteed (very unlikely considering Cornell’s grade inflation).
