Dear readers,
Did you miss me? Because I missed you, dearly. Not as much as I miss sex though.
A while ago, I had an epiphany. Don’t you worry, I did not decide to become a religious ex-gay influencer — that would take one more failed situationship with a DL guy. Instead, I realized, I am too fixated on sex. I am too busy having sex, like: All. The. Time. If you try to reach me during the weekend, tough luck. I will be caught between a c*ck or two (maybe more!) and will not check my messages — or the emails from my editors — for the entire weekend.
In fact, I am so busy having sex that I have not had the time to write about it! I mean, I tried, trust me. But there is something fundamentally incompatible with riding it reverse cowboy style and typing away on my laptop. Something had to give. And I am far too generous not to give my hole to my frat brother of choice on a Friday evening.
But I am a man of principle, and I believe in compromise. As my ex sugar daddy Ezra always said to me (while we were having threesomes with his pal A.D.) “Do the greatest good.” So, I am launching a new column — R.I.P. Gulp Fiction — to talk about what really matters. Celibacy!
Celibate Tuesdays will run every Tuesday (without fail, ever!) to hold me accountable to NOT having sex. I have settled on celibacy because the abstaining, ace and incel communities deserve sex free representation too! (Not that incels deserve respect, don’t get it twisted). The typing time will keep me busy long enough so I will not accidentally stumble upon a hard throbbing c*ck (Although if I stumble upon one on my desk chair, I might forget it is there when I sit down). There are many benefits to celibacy — I think, maybe? I look forward to becoming a more well-balanced individual (I am known for keeping my balance).
It will be so difficult to stay celibate — on Tuesdays only — maybe every other week — only during the school year. But with a 200+ body count, I suppose I have already seen all the violations of men that exist at Cornell, and beyond.
You may wonder what brought about this epiphany for me. I decided to do this as an act of solidarity with my fellow editors who are too busy racing to submit the print issue on Tuesday nights to get some. Although depending on the editors, I am just a Slack message away, just joking! — (maybe not)(hear me out…)(Meet me in the money toilet stall).
I looking forward to having you join me in this new chapter, (****** ******* HMU if DTF after submitting the paper??!!)
Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
