By Stevie Dicks
Hey freaks, it's me again.
Roughly two and a half years ago, I did a very daunting thing — I came out as gay in a small upstate New York town. Now years later, I am coming out again: I am an incel.
For those that don’t know, an incel is a person who is “involuntarily celibate.” I have not had sex since July. It's been so long that I can no longer see, my legs don’t work and I can hear colors. But it's not like I haven’t gotten any play.
I can explain! This all goes back to my fling from last summer. I was seeing this man in med school; he was beautiful and an absolute monster in the sheets. Just looking at him would make me hard… but he would thrust his willy into me with an absurd amount of force and at lightning speed back and forth. It was remarkably unenjoyable because it hurt that freaking bad.
Looking back, I have no clue why I never told him to go slower, because he definitely would have! I think I just didn't want to risk him not having sex with me again because our sex styles didn’t align. God, he was so weird, but he was so hot. And he just texted me the other week too. Like please stop and let our history die! I am NEVER going back to South New Jersey again. I can't do it.
Side note: We shagged in front of a mirror. I did NOT like that. Maybe I’m not as freaky as I thought…
Until recently, I was scared to have sex again, and it's been almost a whole year! The thought of having a wiener up my butt again would send me into anaphylactic shock. It hurt THAT BAD. I’ve gotten with some people this past year since him, and I just would not have sex with them because I was so nervous.
But also, every time I see a man, I’m always the one that asks if they want to have sex. Like hello, I am a twink, you are a big strong man — can't you make the first move? My sweet autistic charm can only go so far. And I know you want to have sex with me because you're in my room right now, and your mouth is on my balls. Can’t you just initiate it instead of me? All you stupid, stupid princess diva men are going to hell.
Back to my explanation. Ever since I had my first sort of serious thing with a man last semester, my standards have risen. I’ve learned a lot about what I want and how a man should treat me. Instead of having sex with anyone who asks, they need to be nice to me (standards have increased a lot!). In all seriousness, I have started being able to read red flags rather early on. After that evil, disgusting man hurt my feelings so badly, I just don’t find that it's worth it to entertain shitty men. Also, his new man is so chopped, guys. He fumbled me so hard.
Crappy men do NOT deserve my time, energy, etc. And they especially do not deserve to have sex with me. Unfortunately, not many men are even giving me attention, so this could also just be me coping with my lack of desirability. I need a strong, masculine man, and there are just none of them on this campus. And a lot of the ones that are are too beautiful for me. Obviously, I am attractive and my body is tea, but I understand my limits.
Another reason for my lack of sex is an incident last year in which I had sex with a man I actually liked for the first time, and I was romantically infatuated with him. The whole shebang. It was just so, so much better than bonking someone I didn’t know. I don't understand why some people prefer hooking up with random people over a recurring person. Y’all are weird.
Guys… I just want to make sweet, passionate love with a huzz so freaking bad. I need a man who is genuine, smart and funny. He needs to make me laugh while inside of me and also tell me how beautiful I am. Also needs to have a big penis, but not too big. Guys, I gotta fit it up my bum! Is all that too much to ask for…
But I see an end to the storm and the sun’s shine. I will get my freak on soon. I just know it. Especially after I took some super sexy thirst traps in Mexico during spring break and added them to my Hinge profile. Since then, I have gotten more matches with these super fine men than I ever have before. I guess you guys don’t care about my wonderful, dazzling personality, just my super tea body.
If you’re a cute, hot, sexy, masculine gay man reading this and wanna help me out, email me at sdicks@cornellsun.com.
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