You’re getting conned. All of you. And no one will tell you that hard truth: You pay too much and use too little! Most of you probably don’t care, and that’s okay. Well, actually, no, it’s not. You should be embarrassed that you are not milking all that your tuition offers (and doesn’t). To solve this little (expensive) issue, I’ll share what I’ve seen (not personally done…) are the most effective ways to maximize your tuition.
- Find a Cornell Alum that happens to also be a Sugar Daddy!
Ok, not sure if this has ever been done, but I think it’s an untapped market and resource. Everyone here blabs on and on about how you’re paying for the “connections” this school offers, so why not use them? If you’re repulsed by this idea, clearly you haven’t been committed enough to networking, and what a shame that is. I hope you consider this one, but just a warning! Check that they do not have legacy children… who could be at school… cause that would be weird.
For the straight men! Don't you worry, I’m sure there are some interested alumnae who would take you under their wing… of their private jet! Best of luck!
- Don’t be a Scaredy Cat: Dining Hall Hacks
If you’ve never snuck into the back of Morrison Dining because you have limited swipes or no meal plan, then I’m ashamed of you. That’s embarrassing! If you also haven’t taken plates, utensils, cups, etc. from a dining hall you should probably start. If you have a moral issue with this one, you can kiss my ass. I have free forks and you don’t.
Here are some creative dining hall swipes: bowls, the big “Ken’s Essentials” salad dressing bottles, plastic cups, salt and pepper packets. And my last suggestion, one I am uncomfortable with sharing as I have personally swiped: soy sauce bottles. I won’t be giving further explanation.
- Every Event Offered: For Free Shit
You should genuinely go to every event offered by Class Councils, clubs, schools, etc. Why? Free food. Oh! Speaking of food, do not buy the ten-dollar Chick-fil-A sandwiches or two-dollar Krispy Kreme donuts or twenty-dollar Crumbl boxes. If you do, you’re an idiot. No matter what student is begging you to buy it, no matter how much you miss fast food, no matter if it's cheaper than other food you’d buy instead. Don’t do it. It’s a statement.
Besides the best part, the food, they also occasionally have free Cornell-labeled dumb shit, such as but not limited to: notebooks, stress balls, pens, phone wallets, cups, cones — you get the gist. Go, and take all of the dumb shit. If you don’t want it, do it for me (just kidding, please don’t).
- Get a Job?
I know this is a foreign concept, but you can get a job? On campus? Isn’t that crazy? How does that maximize your tuition, you might ask… you’re going to have to make the tuition back somehow. Considering most of you are pursuing pre-graduate degrees, you should probably do this. But, what do I know!
- Get a Flu Shot, Pregnancy Test and STD Test All in One Day
You sluts might as well utilize your access to Cornell Health and all of the great things they can do for you, including free Plan B! Seriously, take everything you can including their Free Well-Being Resources. Even if you think they’re useless, like… why not?
You all also should get STD tested because you are all insane, so just get it for free here! I don’t know what you’re doing or who you’re doing it with, but I do know it’s with someone, so you might as well get tested.
- Enroll in Hotelie Classes
Considering most of Cornell is dumb and didn’t enroll in Hotel Administration — considering they’re all going to make more money than everyone else — you might as well get a taste of the lifestyle by taking a class or two.
So, one day, when your Hotelie friend is putting up triple the amount of money as everyone else, you can say, “Hey, I took Introduction to Wines, I’m basically a Hotelie.” And you’ll be wrong every time, because Hotelies know how to maximize their tuition. I mean they need to, considering they’re paying to play chef (sorry, not sorry).
No, no, I didn’t mean it. What I do mean is they get all of the leftover food from Hotel events and that is worth it.
Other ideas that I have for you are fairly self explanatory, so I will list them below!
- Steal food from club events.
- Do an information session and pretend to be a prospective student. (They’ll probably give you free stuff.)
- Eat at Okenshields… I know, it's a bad idea. But, it maximizes your meal swipes and saves you BRBs.
- Get up early? Nah, screw that. You can pay to sleep.
I hope you all take this advice seriously and steal from everything there is to offer, they’ll never know.
Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
