After intense pressure from President Donald Trump, the Cornell administration has decided to make a swift change in branding, renaming the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management to the Donald J. Trump School of Business Excellence in Business.
On April 8, the Trump administration notified the Cornell administration that it had frozen $1 billion in federal funding. The administration delivered Cornell a list of demands that, upon completion, would lead to the restoration of federal funding.
In an interview with The Sun, President Kotlikoff said, “While I cannot publicize the exact content of the list, our University refuses to comply with the demands of an unhinged authoritarian who uses executive power to destroy the institution of academic freedom. Read my lips: no complicity.”
Later in the day, however, Kotlikoff made a startling announcement in an email sent to the Cornell community that starkly departed from his generally academic tone. Seemingly influenced by Trump’s syntactical style, Kotlikoff said, “We are a place where any person can pursue any study, especially the study of BUSINESS and DEALMAKING.”
Kotlikoff continued, announcing the new name for the Dyson School.
“That is why we have decided to RENAME our SMART business school,” Kotlikoff said. “This has been in the works for a LONG time! We’re doing this HUGELY! WE WILL KEEP CORNELL GREAT!”
The statement from the Dyson School said that it would be renamed The Donald J. Trump School of Business Excellence in Business. According to the Cornell administration, the change of name represents an acknowledgement of Mr. Trump’s deep commitment to lifelong learning and academic leadership.
They cite Trump’s statement that “a book can be a big beautiful thing sometimes, with all those words in one place” as evidence of his passion for higher education. A University spokeswoman stated that Trump’s devotion to the University’s mission of “some people, a few studies” led Cornell to make the change.
It appears that she has misquoted the motto.
Along with the name and curriculum change will come an overhaul of the interior of Sage Hall. The building, originally constructed in 1875 as the University’s first all-women’s dormitory, will receive a long-overdue makeover that includes the installation of 14 new gold toilets and velvet drapery across the entire atrium ceiling.
When asked by The Sun how the University would finance the updates to the building, Vice President for New Construction Bilda M. Tall stated, “They’re telling me the funding is being consolidated by cutting the Africana Studies and Gender Studies Departments. We’re also getting a few million by terminating the women’s ice and field hockey teams. Who needs that stuff anyways?”
According to administrators speaking under the condition of anonymity, the quick change in naming for the Trump School has absolutely nothing to do with the $1 billion in funding cuts. They say President Kotlikoff was “showing reverence for a great president” when he decided to rename the school.
Buildit Bigly was a second-year student in the former Department of Gender Studies. He can be reached at bbigly@cornellsun.com.
Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
