In the wake of Trump’s crackdown on diversity, equity and inclusion in admissions and the Sweat Tour starring Charli XCX and featuring Troye Sivan, Cornell has added a fourth required admissions question: “Gay son or thot daughter?”
“We thought our hands were tied, but we were wrong,” top administrators said in an email sent to the student body this morning. “Sabrina’s fluffy pink handcuffs were unlocked. Now, we get to uplift two minorities well within the law — sluts and cis gay men.”
The admissions question has been received with mixed responses — and a fair amount of confusion.
“I thought that they meant ‘thought daughter,’” said Lucie Dacys, an applicant and avid Sylvia Plath reader, Earl Gray tea drinker and Mary Jane's wearer. “Isn’t this school supposed to be for smart people?”
In a series of misunderstandings, one current student and Sun columnist mistook the word “son” for “Sun.”
“I really thought (thot) the question was about me,” wrote Sex on Thursday columnist and gay icon Jack Strap in an email to The Sun. “I was hoping the University was trying to be an ally and recruit a new SOT writer. And we really, really, need more tops.”
Current Cornell student, Alf A. Fee ’27, had mixed feelings about the apparent thot daughter recruitment.
“Those divas don’t know what they’re getting into,” Fee, social chair at Oozma Kappa, said. “There’s only so much walking to Collegetown in a mini skirt in 30-degree weather only to get doxxed underage drinking on the Level B Instagram a girl can take.”
As for Charli and Troye, @gossipgirlcornell reported that they were supposed to headline Slope Day, but Troye backed out when he heard about “the Straight” — Willard Straight Hall.
“Their allyship feels performative. Where’s ‘the Gay’?” Sivan said. “Let’s storm the Straight.”
When asked for comment repeatedly on Slope Day and the application question, Charli XCX exclusively and continually replied: “Brat.”
Addie Sun-Ray is a student in the College of Future Unemployment and can be contacted through a Ouija board.
Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.
