Halloween 2009

Take That Recession! Skorton ‘Reimagines’ His Kitchen

Sun Staff  —  Oct 30, 2009

Coinciding with the “Reimagining Cornell” initiatives that take up most of President David Skorton’s day job, the University’s fearless leader has brought his work home, so to speak, and decided to “reimagine” his kitchen. With persistence from his wife, who told The Sun that this makeover was long overdue, the Skorton residence will take on a refreshed and reinvigorated aura.

Synchrtron and Weather Machine: One & the Same

Sun Staff  —  Oct 30, 2009

Top secret documents obtained from deep within Day Hall detail Cornell’s secret weather machine, buried beneath Alumni Fields. The device, known as the Wilson Laboratory Synchrotron, has been disguised as a high energy physics experiment for the past 50 years, but really it is the fabled Cornell Weather Machine

“Cornell’s existence clings onto past and future donors (aka. trustees and parents.) Therefore, it is of utmost importance that these VIPs should enjoy the very best weather, if any, that fair Ithaca can possibly offer,” the document reads. “The students, on the other hand, don’t matter. At all.”

Intramurals Vote to Add Instant Replay

Sun Staff  —  Oct 30, 2009

Big news in Intramural Sports this weekend, as the National Council on Everything Intramural (NCEI) ruled on a long awaited proposal that would allow video instant replay at intramural games. The NCEI ruled 10,000 to 30 to allow cameras, setting off a wave of joy — mixed with trepidation — across the IM community. As a Division I program, the ruling will indeed affect Cornell.

No Longer Pretty in Pink

Sun Staff  —  Oct 30, 2009

Anyone who’s seen the absolutely fabulous pink breast cancer awareness sweaters the men’s ice hockey team sports annually was chagrined yesterday to hear that the team will no longer be able to have their cute and fluffy outerwear dry cleaned in Canada, and will instead have to settle for the sub-par standards here stateside.

“It is an absolute outrage,” said a well-respected upperclassmen on the Red. “Everybody knows that Canadian drycleaners are far better than American ones. They have this amazing process where they add essence of Maple syrup right at the last dry cycle. Everything comes out smelling just like momma’s flapjacks.”

Outrage, indeed.

‘Big’ Red Forced to Downsize to ‘Medium’

Sun Staff  —  Oct 30, 2009

In wake of the all-encompassing budget cuts, the athletics department has considered the previously unconsiderable: changing Cornell’s mascot. Or more precisely, changing its size.

“All our mascots, symbols and everything else will retain the same shapes and colors,” said a senior official in the athletics department, who wished to remain anonymous since the downsizing plan is still technically tentative, “they’ll just be a little bit smaller. That way, we can save on ink, bear costumes, paint — whatever the medium, we’ll save money by becoming the Medium Red.”

Doubters of the plan have noted that Medium Red is not exactly an awe-inspiring mascot.

“It’s not like ‘Big Red’ struck fear into anyone’s hearts

See DOWNSIZE pg .5

Loch Beebe Monster Preys on Students

Sun Staff  —  Oct 30, 2009

Note to reader: If’n you readers of this here newspaper want this article to have its full effect, it must be read in a Scottish accent, laddie.

Ye Cornellians mightn’t have heard of the Loch Ness Monster who dwelleth off the moors of fair Scotland. But, more importantly, ye all must be wary of another creature, even the more fearsome, who resides in your midst.

At the bottom of Loch Beebe lies more than sand and pebbles. In the depths of this particular loch lies the lair of a terrifying creature — the Loch Beebe Monster.