There are certain quirky techniques and habits that have been steadily incorporated into athletes’ repertoires on and off the playing field that irritate me more than Dick Vitale’s oral gems. In general, these habits have been praised by the media but will lead many fanatics to spill their Tostitos in frustration and disgust.

There are the foul-pursuers. The Kobe Bryants who throw their bodies into defending players before shooting. There is the flopping Vlade Divac who gets knocked over by Earl Boykinses as if his enormous body is but a loose leaf in the wind. There is Barry Bonds who will always wear elbow pads, even when he knows he’s going to get a free ride to first base. The purpose of a foul is to protect the players: so that players do not get head-butted, crack-blocked, or concussed by a 100+ mph fastball. There is a fine line between drawing a foul and taking it for the team, between getting hit by a pitch and leaning into it. When the game’s on the line, it is beyond aggravating when a cheap foul leads to an easy score to secure the win.

There are the skirt-chasers. As a female, I feel offended that many high-profile male athletes cheat on their significant others and society doesn’t seem to care. Even worse is when the guy you’re seeing says something along of the lines of, “Damn…he got with Madonna? So lucky.” The media rarely comments on the destroying of the family ideal or the immense loss of pride for the affected partner, but rather concentrates on the potential new celebrity relationship or the amount in the divorce settlement. In a country where most marriages end in divorce, it seems almost comical that the people that kids look up to are about as disloyal as it gets.

There are the team-eyers. The Eli Mannings who refuse to play for the team that drafts them or the team that they are traded to. These athletes’ selfish motives can be empathized with, as many sports greats have rotted away on sub-par teams due to lack of talent surrounding or coaching them. However, when star athletes refuse to go to less-qualified teams, the gap in the talent pool between the better and worse teams in leagues grows even larger.

There are the word-bumblers. It is unfathomable to me why I have to listen to certain sports announcers mangle on about my favorite teams and then have to interpret the forthcoming gibberish that spews out of the mouths of athletes in post-game interviews. In some ways, I find it disappointing how media channels attempt to up their ratings by getting one on one time through interviews that only seem to reinforce the “dumb jock” stereotype. They may have recently instituted “No Child Left Behind” but where is “No Athlete Left Behind”? I can only imagine that fifth graders around the country who whine about standardized tests get only further confused when their athletic idles can barely speak English in a post game interview.

There are the endorsement-getters. It’s reasonable to wear apparel featuring the logo of a soft beverage company. On the other hand, it is not comprehensible that because Raphael Palmeiro and Jason Giambi, two studs of Major League Baseball, are money-hungry, that we have to lose our appetites during games while thinking about them requiring erectile dysfunction treatment or an extra strong deodorant. (And ironically, Arm & Hammer wasn’t the “only muscle” that the Gladiator needed.)

And then finally, there are again-and-again, the Eminems and Jay-Z’s of sports: the athletes who refuse to retire. The Ricky Hendersons who be willing to run their knees out in single A ball, the Michael Jordans who trade pinsuits for jerseys, and of course the worst are the Brett Favres who come out of retirement and suit up for their established fan base’s nemesis. As awesome as it is to watch 40-year-old men try to relive the amazing days of their prime, the backside is that these athletes tarnish their statistics, take up playing time from more talented and flexible players, and collectively make Sportscenter extremely boring. And rather than ending their career on a note of success, they end up leaving their game of choice broken and old.

Many of the things wrong with sports have to do with the choices that our sports icons make. But our sports icons need to keep in mind that their fan-bases are the reasons they go from great to gods and that their decisions on-and-off the field will affect how we view them after: dysfunctional or not.