“So, uh, do I get anything?”

We’ve all heard it before. A guy has just finished pleasuring you and now is demanding something in return. Sometimes it’s verbal, or sometimes it’s the much less subtle sticking his fingers in your mouth or pushing your head towards his groin. Guess what? Just because you chose to pleasure her does not mean that she owes you anything. While I believe that all is fair in love, I don’t think a mandatory clit-for-tat is ever fair. Being a male generous oral lover is rare and awesome. 

If you’ve spoken to your parents about oral sex (like I have … what is that weird?) you would know that their generation considers oral sex much more intimate — the next sexual step after intercourse. Today, however, it’s often viewed as a sort of consolation prize when sex doesn’t happen. Guys rarely get up close and personal for some official oral orificial business. Check out that cunning piece of linguistics, courtesy of Jeff K. 

I was talking to a bunch of guys after Lost (shout out to Lost fans) this week about the oral sex double standard. While one defended that he loves eating pussy and has no problem doing it at every opportunity, the other thought of it as a means to an end. He believes that if she’s naked, in his bed and it doesn’t look like sex is going to happen, he will either perform cunnilingus to try to convince her to have sex, or expect a blowjob. It was simple — the options were sex or blowjob and that’s it. No thought to getting her off.

Sure, a lot of guys enjoy reciprocation, but in far too many instances this isn’t expected — or better yet — demanded. 

All too often we find that blowjobs are expected if sex isn’t going to happen, but cunnilingus is reserved for boyfriends only. Never do we hear a girl ask, “What about me?” after pleasuring her partner. But let me tell you: Unexpected oral action never goes unnoticed. It’s the type of stuff we’re sure to remember next time we’re scrolling through our contacts list when we hear the last call whistle at Dunbar’s. And if you take Dear Z’s advice, your name might appear as “Eats Out” in our phones. 

So guys, next time you’re in bed focused on what you have to do to get off, remember that sex isn’t an individual effort, it’s a team sport. Get ready to pass the ball next time she’s the starting point guard because it will only increase your chance of scoring. If your playbook only has one O where there should be at least two, you’re going to wind up with far too many (e)X’s. (Sports metaphor! Shout out to the basketball team!) 

Imagine what it would be like if all the females on campus got together one Friday night and decided that they would not do anything to their partner until they were totally satisfied. It’s not completely unreasonable. I tried it, and let me tell you: I have never had a better night. 

Expecting a blowjob usually doesn’t get you very far because a blowjob is significantly better if the girl wants to do it. Sure, I’ll put my mouth on your dick if you won’t stop pushing my head towards it, but it’s not gonna be good. I might “accidentally” graze some teeth. 

Blowjobs are a lot of work. They require a very exact breathing and bobbing rhythm, plus everyone’s unique tongue action and sucking technique. If I’m going to give one, that’s a decision I’m making on my own. No amount of begging or orgasms is going to change that. I’m not going to put a cock in my mouth unless I want to. 

That’s not to say that voluntary, awesome blowjobs don’t happen. I’m just saying that the expectation is often misguided and far too frequent. 

If you’re not willing to give what you expect to receive, expect nothing. Maybe you’ll have a partner who gets off simply by getting you off — but you’ll never know that until you try to reciprocate. Maybe it won’t be standard to have two thoroughly pleasured parties every night, but the double standard of the girl always reciprocating for the guy needs to be laid to rest.

And even if the game doesn’t turn out in your favor that night, know that a pleasured lover is a happy lover, and a happy lover will call you again. Maybe they’re ready to reciprocate and have a night that’s all about you. 

Jess H. recently graduated from the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She may be reached at jessh@cornellsun.com. Girl On Top appears alternate Thursdays this semester.