When Cornell Dining recently revamped its uniform policy, mandating that employees in the ever-so-hip(ster) Green Dragon wear hats, student-employees started to complain. Hats?! Really? Clearly appalled by this fascist proclamation, our team of crack reporters has consulted with a slew of fashion experts — from Nylon to latfh.com to Tim Gunn — in order to develop “alternative” options that will please these individually-minded students. So, without further ado, here is the list of suggestions ...

Skinny Jeans

First and foremost, the hipster-couture staple: the skinny jean. See also: the ultra-skinny jean, uber-skinny jean and denim-colored body paint. Acceptable brands include Cheap Mondays, second-hand Lees from Salvation and anything sold at Urban. Extra points for cuffed bottoms, particularly if the cuff ends mid-shin.

Lumberjack Shirt

Have an old and dirty picnic-table cloth? Cut and sew easily into a shirt. Need to buy some new digs? Head to the lost-and-found. Just make sure it’s Cornell red and please don’t wash. Ever.

Thick-Rimmed Glasses

See: Buddy Holly, Woody Allen or Sammy Perlmutter ’10.

Flair

Anything and everything added to uniform that contributes to overall campus spirit is encouraged. Tattoo sleeves, pins and patches prominently featuring the C.U. Dining logo, or black-and-white tattoo portraits of Cornell luminaries such as Kurt Vonnegut ’44, Thomas Pynchon ’59 or President Skorton’s “Newfie” Miles, are acceptable. Carrying Miranda July or Charles Bukowski books around is required — or your pay will be docked. Don’t worry Cornell Dining won’t make you wear 15 pieces. 14 will suffice.

Hats

Our team has really struggled with this item that first ignited the controversy. After some major soul searching — guzzling of PBR, smoking of American Spirits, hanging outside of Chapter House and Temple of Zeus — we got it. Fedoras.