We’re reporting high above Cayuga’s waters — literally. We’re not quite sure what happened or how we got here. One moment we were blowing up a helium balloon for Saturday’s Homecoming Parade, and the next moment we were being lifted up, up into the sky! We wonder if anyone will realize we’re missing ... and then send a search and rescue party ... and then realize it was all a hallucination and that we never, ever get to leave the bat cave, even if helium balloon rides are involved.

The VILLAINOUS weather is at it again here in ITH, just in time to remind those returning for the weekend why they should be grateful they’ve moved on. In a way it’s somewhat courteous. It’s like Ithaca is saying: Welcome back, recent grads! You may be sorry you don’t have a job in this VILLAINOUS economy, but don’t be sorry you’re not still in Ithaca. At least it’s not VILLAINOUSLY snowing in October where you are. And if it is, you should probably consider relocating.

Thankfully, it’s been a brief week and we’re somewhat caught up on sleep. But what’s really motivating us to make it through this week is knowing what’s in store for Homecoming this weekend ...

Like the HEROIC Homecoming Parade! There aren’t many things we find more HEROIC than daytime drinking. But the thought of HEROIC student leaders coming together to march around campus in a display of their toolishness makes us overjoyed! That’s right, as the rest of Cornell kicks back and gets fratty, we’ll be HEROICALLY marching alongside the stars of this campus, helping to revive a HEROIC past tradition. Well, probably not. See you at the tailgate.

You know who will be easy to find happily parading themselves through campus for the parade? The Student Assembly, of course! Why is that, you ask? Yesterday, the S.A. did something very HEROIC. They finally stepped off of their VILLAINOUS high horses and paved the way for democracy by rewarding students the right to vote at their-ever contentious and all-important meetings! Granting the plebeians the right to vote will be the ultimate litmus test that determines whether or not students care about S.A. meetings. If this method doesn’t work, maybe them bigwigs want to consider bribing students with donuts and juice! Just kidding ...

Enough about politics. What we’re really stoked for is the HEROIC football game against Fordham this weekend. Though the team hails from the Bronx (represent!) and that makes them legit, we hope they can find it in their HEROIC hearts not to VILLAINOUSLY beat us. It must be a VILLAINOUS bummer to lose a Homecoming game, right Yale? Yeah, we thought so.

Our chances of winning at football might be slim, but at least we have the HEROIC Solar Decathlon team to raise our spirits! The team’s currently showing off their solar-powered house on the National Mall in Washington DC, and that’s awesome. We hope they win. So please, take a moment to text “HOUSE10” to 99503 to vote for Cornell’s house! Then go back to reading this HEROIC rag.