It is an honor bestowed upon few. It comes easily to some, and yet, some can never attain it over an entire lifetime. Yes, I am talking about the female orgasm.

Every girl has the potential to orgasm (or at least that’s what I Love Female Orgasm told me), although a quarter of women are unable to. Some guys can never bring their partner to fruition, having an easier time getting a 4.0 while completing a thesis, whereas some can find the clitoris faster than they can find Waldo (and I’m talking about finding “Waldo in the On the Beach” scene, not the “Land of Waldos” where he’s only recognizable because he lost his stupid shoe). Even if you can’t get her there — I, like everyone else, like to think I’ve been successful with several girls — it’d be nice to know how you’re doing.

I don’t expect a report card, nor do I want a ridiculous display of thrashing and screaming. By now you should know that straight out asking if she came is about as cliché as the arrogant ass who nods and smirks at his friends as he heads upstairs with a girl like it’s his first time ever having sex with an actual woman. High five, dude! Unless she thinks you’ve got the potential to be better up-close-and-personal at ground zero — or if she doesn’t care about your foolish, undeserved pride — is she going to tell you anything other than that she did?

For those too seasoned to flat out ask, our other option is stroking our sexual prowess ego and automatically assuming she did just because she faked some moans. Everyone’s seen When Harry Met Sally or, at the very least, the infamous fake orgasm scene during a session of I Love the ’80s.

Where does that leave us? We can hone our cunnilingus skills, (hold our breath) take our time and get those toes to curl. Or — and maybe I’m crazy — we can open up the channels of communication in the bedroom … instead of just our legs.

Like something? Say something. Oh, you like it standing up? Well, let me jot that down on my Rolodex card for you. Don’t like that guy jack hammering you like John Henry on some railroad spikes? Open your mouth to tell him how you feel, not to fake a moan. Our egos can take it and then we’ll understand that your vaginas can’t. We probably don’t like doing what you don’t like us doing either, we’re just grossly misinformed. Hell, if you watching me bust up a chiffarobe is going to get your there, I’ll go Tom Robinson all over that chiffarobe. Sex can be as pleasurable as we want (to some degree) if you let your partner in on a few of your secrets, instead of guarding them with a basilisk in some hidden chamber.

“Cum laude” literally translates to “with praise.” Give us credit where credit is due, but if you’re not satisfied, say something. If by the time you hear those breaths coming out a little faster, those eyes rolling up to the back of his head like he’s the Undertaker from the WWF and those infamous words — “I’m going to cum” — are about to cross his lips, grab onto those hips, slow him down and tell him you’re not done yet (oops ... too late!).

If he looks at you with bewilderment, smack him in the face and tell him, “I’m going to cum” doesn’t specify urgency and that he’s still going to cum, just five minutes from now. I, for one, would very much appreciate that. I’ve experienced roughly 1.5 orgasms a day for the last seven years. I can hold out on one more if it means it’s going to bring your count into double digits and I can have the satisfaction of satisfying you.

Don’t get your advice from Marie Claire or Cosmo. Don’t get your advice from me (ignore that as I am about to give advice). There aren’t 101 ways to pleasure a man, and there are no secrets to achieving your perfect orgasm. Every man, woman and child (maybe I shouldn’t mention children?) is different, and therefore every man, woman and child reacts differently to different things. Putting my finger in Fanny Rump’s butt might set off fireworks for her like the 4th, but it might make Prudence Jones’ clit shrivel.

There are techniques proven to work for most women (i.e. last longer than 40 seconds, stimulate the clitoris, heighten the mood, relax your mind and use foreplay), but like fingerprints (or vaginas), every experience is different. So, tell your partner what you like, not what you think they’d like (“You can put it anywhere” does not turn me on and I will probably take you very literally and do something strange and vulgar) and get ready for a new experience in the bedroom/closet/frat party dance floor. Your orgasm awaits.

Jeff K. is a senior in the College of Engineering. He may be reached, for sexual encounters or otherwise, at jeffk@cornellsun.com. Come Inside appears alternate Thursdays this semester.