The sex columnists in the past have usually focused on the crazy things they have done in the bedroom or their own sexual mishaps. Not me. Today I’m writing about what no man on Cornell’s campus wants to admit happens. That’s right, it’s time to talk about erectile dysfunction. One would think from Viagra and Cialis commercials that penis fail only happens to middle-aged men. You’re wrong. It’s about as prevalent at Cornell as dinosaur jokes or apples.

In my experience, there are three distinct types of penis fail:

Type One: The Drunk Dick

This is the guy who buys you a slice of pizza at CTP after he accidentally spills his drink on you at the Palms. You go home together and everything seems fine, until it comes time to do the deed. It’s then that you both realize he’s as soft as the frozen yogurt at Jason’s. At this point, he’ll mumble something about drinking too much before falling into a deep sleep mid-sentence.

If you’re not as lucky, he’ll try to make you get it up for him in any variety of ways. Anyone who has had this experience can tell you that putting a flaccid dick in your mouth is one of the least sexy things that can happen in the bedroom. Or anywhere, for that matter. Also, it almost never works.

My advice: skip the seventh shot at Group Therapy in return for some functional ass later in the night.

Type Two: The Wishful Wang

This dude refuses to admit that his penis is not erect. Even after it is abundantly clear that his little soldier isn’t at attention, he will still try to have sex with you. This causes two uncomfortable situations: one, trying to have sex with a flaccid penis is about as easy as using Jello to open a locked door, and two, it forces his partner to tell him that his penis isn’t working. And there just isn’t a polite way to do that.

As a side note: this guy will also try to have you get his penis erect for him. However, unlike in the first example, this guy has already put the condom on. A word from the wise: putting a penis in your mouth post-condom is disgusting. Sucking on a rubber glove tastes better. Even if he goes to the bathroom and washes it off, it still tastes like soapy latex.

Type Three and Four: The Cowardly Cock(s)

There are two categories of this type of flop cock. The first is incredibly common. This is a man who has absolutely no problem becoming erect … until its time to put on a condom. The sight of lubricated latex sends his penis diving between his legs — in a dubious effort to hide behind his balls. He’ll tell you that condoms decrease his sensitivity to the extent that he cannot maintain an erection even at the sight of one. But please beware: If this is a problem he has with you, he has had it with others. It can be assumed that any time he has had sex it has been without a condom. Having sex with this guy, without getting tested first, is as smart as taking Organic Chemistry just for fun.

The final type of Penis Fail is very rare. This is the guy who cannot blame his sexual dysfunction on anything, and so chooses his partner as the last resort. Not willing to blame his impotence on any sort of medical condition, he tells you that it’s your fault. Maybe he’ll con you into believing that you’re too pretty or sexy or intimidating in bed. This is bullshit. No matter what his reasoning is, do not buy it. This type of guy clearly always needs to be in the power position, even if it means blaming his sexual shortcomings on his willing and able partner. Run away immediately.

It’s important to realize that men, when experiencing all types of penis fail, will inevitably blame the popular college scapegoat first — alcohol. But any reasonable person will know exactly how drunk the guy in his or her bed is. So guys, skip the excuses. We see right through them. And please, don’t make us put your latex-y, soapy, flaccid cock in our mouths. That just isn’t proper bedroom etiquette. Spend the night pleasuring your partner instead. You never know just how arousing someone else’s orgasm can be until you try it.

Jess H. is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She may be reached at jessh@cornellsun.com. Girl On Top appears alternate Thursdays this semester.