Late Sunday, as dusk descended upon Ithaca, bringing grey skies and the first whisper of an autumn chill, a moribund message appeared on the screen of our computer: “Sorry, we could not access the web page www.CornellSun.com because we cannot find the server.” Shriek — VILLAINOUS chaos ensued around us! What is the meaning in all of this — “can’t find the server”?! Has the newsroom been subjected to a VILLAINOUS Orwellian experiment, with twisted intentions to make us sleep-deprived editors face certain social, intellectual and mental doom? What would happen without technology? What could ensue besides pure catastrophe? Needless to say, it was dirty and messy and forced us to almost shut down operations across the board. Well, not quite ... We HEROICALLY snapped back to the age of Web 2.0 in time to bring you this HEROIC account of the week’s news ...

We would first like to praise whoever the HEROES were who decided to ban all handshakes from this year’s career fair. Sure they say it was a health precaution, but this HEROIC rule really got us thinking, who really appreciates the compulsory handshake, anyway? At an event like the career fair, you’re always bound to get trapped in the most VILLAINOUS of handshake situations. You know, like when Mr. Clammy Hands reaches out to give you a VILLAINOUSLY wet handshake that forces you to wipe the excess moist onto your newly pressed dress pants. Let’s use this opportunity to reconsider the handshake and perhaps institute a new standard for proper introductions. We’re thinking the HEROIC head nod might be nice.

But this no handshake rule was perhaps the only HEROIC thing to come from the career fair. We were sent away from the VILLAINOUS event with nothing but disdain for ourselves and our VILLAINOUS lack of a life plan. We slave away for this newspaper day in and day out for what? Just to be told at career fairs that our mad skillz are of no use to any company that pays for hire?

In other news, kudos to the folks at the Wilson Synchotron, for the VILLAINOUS prank they pulled this week. Starting a fire in the HEROIC particle accelerator was perhaps one of the greatest PR stints this grand University has seen in decades. We can guarantee no more than five percent of the people on this campus had heard about the lab before this news broke. And now we’re just itchin’ to check this place out.

And, finally, we gotta recognize the IFC for placing the HEROIC moratorium on frat parties. It’s not that we think canceling frat parties will stop the VILLAINOUS spread of swine; it’s just that this way, all the partying will take place in HEROIC C-Town, where there are bars, drunken food and, well, it’s where everyone who’s anyone lives.

So, without further ado, cheers! Let’s go get drunk.