Are you old and wise, crotchety and disgruntled? Do you pine for that long begone era when the music was swinging, and men wore ties and kept their shoes shined? Do the degenerate pages of this newspaper make your stomach churn with disgust? Do spelling mistakes catch your eye? Does goofy grammar get your goat? Do you oft wonder, while reading, “Gee whiz! The Sun sure was better back when I was in college”?

Well, we’ve got the column for you! The youthful idiots running this daily rag, replete with profanity, typos and — gasp! — that thing called rock ’n roll, have finally opened their eyes, their ears and maybe even their hearts to the loud (very, very, very loud) scolding of their elders. And, in response, the young editors have scheduled a new column called, “You should be ashamed of yourself ...,” providing the opportunity for the senior-citizen-set to opine about all that they find wrong with The Sun.

What follows are common errors that decorate our pages and examples of the proper reprimanding we deserve. So, without further ado, get out your ruler, old sport, and let the wrist-slapping begin ...

Spelling Mistakes

We come from the new age of “inventive spelling.” You should know, you taught us. Wee sownd wyrds ought and right them how wee lyke. When complaining, pick on specific words and the ordering of letters and then tie them to something from your own childhood. For example, “You revolting, worthless twits, you added an extra ‘S’ to the beginning of the word hit! Back in my day, if I added the letter ‘S,’ I wouldn’t be served supper for three weeks! You should be ashamed of yourself. Hit heads!”

Grammatical Errors

We ain’t sayin’ grammar ain’t no thang, but the rules have definitely changed. Compare today’s modern slang to yesterday’s jivin’ prose and then explain how our grammar is worse than the prune juice at the leisure center’s early bird special. For example, “The sins committed against the English language are too much to bear — don’t you know that ‘which’ and ‘that’ are a world of difference? Only fourth, no, fifth rate copy editors would miss that mistake!”

Getting It Right

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