If this isn’t the end of the world, we don’t know what is. Between the VILLAINOUS rumors of departments merging, majors consolidating and swine taking over, we’re placing bets on what will be the last straw that makes this HEROIC University break ...

Before we get to the knitty gritty, though, we have a bone to pick with those VILLAINOUS fratstars who beheaded a pig in the name of the swine. Just because your HEROIC Keystone bro fests were canceled for a week, does not make it kosher to slaughter a pig. We are, however, somewhat amused by the HEROICALLY academic approach that was taken. It’s so totally Cornell for a VILLAINOUS frat prank to include a literary reference from our favorite novel from AP English.

But fratstars aside, we have more HEROIC news to report. According to our calculations, Cornell will be able to close the VILLAINOUS budget gap in one month if the VILLAINOUS swine scare gains momentum. The HEROIC profits being generated by Gannett from the sales of Purell, medical masks and thermometers will surely be able to make up for the money lost in the VILLAINOUS Great Recession.

While swine has touched almost every corner of this University, the HEROIC men’s soccer team seems to be unfazed. With their HEROIC win this week, the HEROIC ballers have already equaled their number of wins — one — from last year’s VILLAINOUS season. Well, we guess that’s kind of more sad than it is it HEROIC. All hail Ivy League athletics!

It seems like the only thing going right in the world is that the HEROIC Segway has made its way onto this campus. FINALLY! Yes, you know who we’re talking about. There’s that kid on the Segway, gloriously segwaying across the Arts Quad every day and we’re jealous. There hasn’t been a better mode of transportation to hit the Hill since the HEROIC Green Hornet Party Bus. Screw podcars, Segways are the way of the future.

But you know what really made us HEROICALLY happy this week? Brew Fest. For a few hours on Saturday, the clouds of doom and gloom cleared and all was HEROICALLY happy in the world. Though the VILLAINOUS $40 entrance fee was quite a blow to our wallets, the money was well spent. Where else could you drunkenly run into your academic adviser, your freshman year roommate and the HEROIC hostess from Alladins, all in one place?

But what’s really scary about this apocalyptic state of the University is that the HEROIC Skorton and Fuchs are actually listening to us. That’s right. The top dogs told an auditorium full of University people to seriously consider the HEROIC words we print on the pages of this very newspaper. The two are currently so VILLAINOUSLY flustered about the task of “reimagining” Cornell that they said they are going to “depend on The Daily Sun ... to ask us questions that the campus wants to ask.” Are they for serious? We really do not know anything about anything. We should probably all just get swine and ...