The HEROIC sun has been shining, the freshmen have been drinking and classes have been, well, stinking. It’s two weeks down and — damn it — way too many VILLAINOUS days left to go. Nevertheless, we’ve been keeping busy thinking about all the “reimagining” going down on the Hill, and have doused ourselves with plenty of HEROIC booze to make the future seem a little less scary.

This week roused much chitter-chatter about the future of academics and infrastructure of our HEROIC University. Many mouths’ moved, many eyebrows were raised and many people are still wondering what the heck is going on. We at H&V got a hold of a VILLAINOUSLY top-secret task force report for the College of Arts and Sciences, which specified lots of HEROIC ways to reduce VILLAINOUS “waste.” Will the changes result in a VILLAINOUS overhaul of all our fair school hold’s true? Or will the HEROIC Super Skortie swoop in, cape in tow, to save the day? Time will only tell ... Let us just remember, however, that although cutting costs needs be a priority in these VILLAINOUS times, we’re a HEROIC University for a reason and would hate to end up the Little Red. That’s wimpy, and would simply stink.

Enough with the cuts already, let’s talk about more HEROIC ventures. Like the super-HEROIC Autonomous Underwater Vehicle team, that totally destroyed all other international teams in a big time competition to win a HEROIC $10,000! Sadly, the money was quickly and super-VILLAINOUSLY seized by the office of the President and Provost for undisclosed, back-room, purposes promised to help the University save money in the long run. Rumor has it, however, that Fuchs and Skorton were spotted in Barbados last weekend, snatching up the last of the August sun. No, we’re just joking. Come on, you don’t actually take what we say seriously, do you? That’d just be silly.

In other news, the city voted to hire HEROIC security to guard the gates of City Hall all because one crazy townie chucked his shoe at our HEROIC mayor. All seems swell, but seriously, if the weapon of choice in our HEROIC town is a shoe, is contracted security really the answer? The mayor could have simply passed some HEROIC legislation forever banning shoes on the feet of citizens. With all the HEROIC hippies in town, bare feet are a plenty anyway.

Well, the night is young, and so are freshmen. So stop reading this paper and show them how C-Town is done. Besides, the HEROIC Green Cafe has become HEROIC-er, apparently now offering booze. Now you can drunkenly pee, drunkenly eat and drunkenly drink some more before attending Club Sidewalk. If that’s not a party, we don’t know what is.