Here at Heroes & Villains we’re pretty bummed. It’s the end of Orientation Week and the future is bleak. We’ve searched long and hard to find some positives about the end of HEROIC O-Week. But aside from the mass exodus of VILLAINOUS freshmen from Collegetown, and the fact that our HEROIC livers are being given some much-needed time to recuperate, we’re really at a loss to find any other pluses about the end of HEROIC Camp Cornell.

With only two days of classes under our belts, we at H & V are in need of a HEROIC vacation already. Between the VILLAINOUS threat of Swine Flu and the even more VILLAINOUS threat of identity theft, we think hibernating down here at the HEROIC bat cave is sounding like a good idea. We’ve decided to take HEROIC Susan Murphy’s advice quite literally, insuring our tuition and jumping ship at the first sign of the sniffles.

In fact, news of a VILLAINOUS fraternity pot bust could not have come sooner for the University in its quest to find a way of containing the VILLAINOUS Swine. That’s right. Word on the street is that HEROIC Gannett Health Services has canceled all requests for the H1N1 vaccine, claiming that the bust has cut off the University’s major supplier of marijuana and other smoking paraphernalia, thus HEROICALLY lowering the likelihood of the disease spreading.

But with a pot bust coming on the coat tails of a VILLAINOUS summer o’ crime, the Ithaca and Cornell Police seem to be growing antsy. By god! Lately, the VILLAINOUS police are dolling out tickets like they’re quarter cards on Ho Plaza. Is chasing after Type-As with Keystone at 3 a.m. really the most excitement you can find in this town? And why do you need a tricked out Batmobile with tinted windows to catch kids HEROICALLY drinking on a Friday night? Sounds like a VILLAINOUS power trip to us.

On a more serious note, we now must now bid adieu to the HEROIC Zamboni Dave who really was the only reason why HEROIC Cornell Hockey was popular anyway. Let’s face it, no one here knows squat about the sport. The appeal was all HEROIC Zamboni Dave and his ability to bring a HEROICALLY drunken crowd to its feet. Why not cut hockey all together, blame it on budget cuts, and create a HEROIC new sport called throw fish at the VILLAINOUS Harvard Crimson. We’re pretty sure fans got more excited about that than the real game, anyway.

And what’s this we hear about the VILLAINOUS overgrown grass on Libe Slope? You call it a sustainable meadow. We call it weird. Think about how disastrous it will be come Slope Day when drunken freshmen find themselves lost in the VILLAINOUSLY overgrown jungle. On the other hand, perhaps the weeds will provide us with extra cover when stashing our alcohol for the concert. Party on!