No, I’m not writing this because I’m going through some major all-consuming breakup. It’s just that after years of writing columns about dating and relationships, I’ve realized something. Despite all of my dating and relationship experience, and all that I have learned from it, I really don’t know all that much. I still find myself surprised and confronted by new problems and experiences all the time. And, as long as I’m being honest, the relationships I see on The Hills still seem kind of realistic to me, so I know I’ve definitely got some more learning to do on the relationship front. However, while I have yet to uncover the key to romantic bliss, my experience hasn’t been a total waste. It has left me with an abundance of knowledge in one particular area that I feel it would be remiss of me, as a former sex and relationship columnist, not to share. Though I may not know how to make a relationship work, I certainly know how to end one!

I’ve experienced breakups of all different kinds. I’ve done the whole Ross-and-Rachel-first-in-a-series-of-five breakup; I did the oh-sure-I’m-totally-cool-with-you-hooking-up-with-my-freshman-friend breakup; and I’ve even done the he-got-drunk-and-peed-on-me-and-now-it’s-awkward breakup. Breakups are something that everyone who has been in a relationship goes through and, if you haven’t, either you should or you are one of those lucky freaks who should be giving me advice. For the rest of you, it’s best to realize that the most effective thing for dealing with a breakup is time. And while you wait, I have developed a method of break up survival that, well, really isn’t all that effective ... but at least gives you something that feels constructive to do while nature takes its course.

For me, the goal of dealing with a break up is not learning to hate the other person but learning to enjoy your life without them in it. In most cases, it’s not effective to try to convince yourself to dislike the other person. Yes, you can tell yourself over and over again that they suck or that they’ve gotten uglier since you started dating or that it was all the other person’s fault. But chances are, they had a lot of really good qualities, or you wouldn’t have been so into them in the first place. It’s easy to convince yourself to get over a loser with no redeemable qualities, but eventually you’ll return to your rational self and remember that it wasn’t all bad and that they were actually a good person in some ways. And when you do, if you haven’t gotten over that good person, you are right back where you started.

So, instead of that, the first thing to do is establish a routine independent of your ex. You do things for yourself, rather than because of the other person, which means that acts of revenge, no matter how small or seemingly innocuous, are strictly forbidden. Despite how tempting it may be to key his car, hook up with his best friend or spread a nasty rumor about his ongoing battle with the herps in your column in The Sun — not that I would ever think of doing anything like that personally — you should resist the urge to do something because of the other person. Even if you think they totally deserve it, you don’t want to stoop to their level because you’ll only end up hating yourself for it. Also, you don’t want to make a habit of doing things to get a reaction out of your ex. Eventually, he or she will move on and if you are still doing things to get their attention, it’s only a matter of time before you will be disappointed.

Instead, focus on yourself and your new life without a significant other. First, I always find something I like to do that I couldn’t while I was with the other person. It serves as a reminder that there are positives to being without them. It shouldn’t be too hard to find something because whenever you are emotionally invested in something, you make sacrifices for it — even without realizing it. So, maybe you could never watch your favorite show because it was always on at the same time as the show your ex made you watch with him. Or, maybe you never wore your favorite sweater because your ex thought it was itchy. Or, maybe you had to shave the handle-bar mustache it took you weeks to grow just because your ex was embarrassed to be seen with you in public when you had it. Now, you can do all of those things ad nauseam. This doesn’t mean that you should just act like the relationship never happened. Inevitably, you learned a lot and changed in some ways while you were with the person. Just because you broke up, doesn’t mean that everything you learned was wrong. But, so long as it doesn’t hurt the other person (for reasons described above) or yourself (like the mustache thing, because, really, you should just thank your ex for the sound fashion advice), it can be nice to enjoy something familiar.

It can also be nice to try something new. One of the hardest parts of breaking up, I think, is all the free time. You don’t realize how much time you spend with a person until you aren’t spending it anymore. I always like to fill that time with a new hobby or skill. I’ve learned a lot of things from breakups, including how to sew and even how to make the perfect omelet. I figure, if I spend the time learning to be more domestic, it not only distracts me sufficiently while I’m breaking up with someone, but it also makes me more desirable to the next guy who comes a-knockin’!

Speaking of which, I should probably devote at least a sentence to the rebound guy/girl. Once you experience a good relationship, it’s natural to want to be in one again. People tend to think that rebounding is a bad idea, but I think that’s only because of the people with whom we usually rebound. In my experience, people tend to rebound either with exact clones of their exes or exact opposites. I would say that you shouldn’t do it, but I think it can actually be kind of helpful. My advice is not to go out of your way to rebound but if you find yourself with an itch to scratch, avoid doing so with friends, people you work/live with or anyone with the aforementioned facial hair.

Another question people sometimes have about breakups is whether or not to allow themselves access to their ex’s Facebook profile. I agree that no good can really come from looking, so if you are one of those people with the willpower to completely resist it, I would. However, if you aren’t one of Captain Planet’s super Planeteers, you may find this somewhat challenging. Instead of trying to resist, I look at it every single time I want to. Usually, it’s pretty painful to see and I regret looking to the point where I no longer want to. It’s old-fashioned Pavlovian conditioning, except instead of a doggy treat, you get to not be a pathetic stalker.

A big part of getting on with your life is having one. Don’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Get to the gym, do your schoolwork and get out of the house. You’ll feel better about yourself if you are active and, if you do things that make you happy long enough, eventually you will be. In the mean time, use the support system you have and focus on yourself. The best thing you can tell yourself is that you can get past it. I know that I can get through anything in my life that comes to an end, except maybe, for Cornell, which I hope to never get over as long as I live.