We write this from the depths of the bat cave in complete and utter secrecy. We’ve been conquered. We’ve been taken over. Our captors are telling us it’s all or nothing. The Sun has three hours to live. They say unless we publish a paper full of complete and utter lunacy, mistakes and typos, we will never see the light of day again. So apologies for this newspaper.

It’s HEROIC Cornell Days, which means we’ve HEROICALLY been skipping all of our classes to lay out on the Arts Quad. That was until the HEROIC architects got in the way of our sitting and frisbee throwing to display “land art.” They say it was a tribute Cornell’s agricultural past. Red bags filled with hay lined the Arts Quad in a HEROICALLY artsy pattern — a not so subtle reminder that we go to school with a bunch of HEROIC Old McDonald Ag School hicks.

Speaking of hicks, we too are mourning the loss of the HEROIC nutritional class about vegetables, axed by the VILLAINOUS director emeritus of the program, who may or may not have had some ties to the dairy industry. We stand by the HEROIC vegans that keep this city thriving, and the yuppie Cornellians who wish to play the part.

Earlier this week, President Skorton made himself a HERO by unveiling the gift of an uncommon mushroom to some HEROIC Chinese people. Cornell played this off as some ÜBER-HEROIC act of diplomacy. We, however, are skeptical. We think there’s some SUPER-VILLAINOUS and shady undercover action going down. I mean, come on. Mushrooms? It’s a little obvious, guys.

From the look of things, it seems as though bonfire season started a bit early this year. After watching a frat house go up in VILLAINOUS flames this week, we propose that the Interfraternity Council integrate intensive fire training into their new VILLAINOUS mandatory pledging activities. But until then, we’re assured that sober monitors in HEROIC chartreuse t-shirts can manage the flames.

Pataki extinguished our flame this week when he told, well frankly, we’re VILLAINOUSLY screwed. Those Ithacan protesters who protest everything, even taxes, had the same VILLAINOUS thing to say — no more taxes, no more jobs. Why don’t we just stay in college forever? We HEROICALLY love college.

But not as much as those students abroad in Paris who have HEROICALLY freed themselves from all scholarly obligation. That’s right, their HEROIC teachers are all on strike — leaving students to run free on the Rue de la blah de la blah. We’d know how to speak the French if the VILLANOUS budget didn’t keep cutting our language courses.

In sum, the editor in chief is VILLAINOUSLY-DRUNKENLY playing flip cup whilst this mediocre editorial gets outsourced to HEROIC Bangalore. Goodbye American jobs! If only I could take some ESL classes ...