It’s a VILLAINOUS world out there for us “journalists” ... and we’re not quite sure why we do it. Why do we slave away, day in and day out? For you, dear reader? That’s what you think. The truth is we’ve dug ourselves into a deep, dark whole. We thought it’d be HEROIC to spruce up our resumes with fancy titles like “editor” and “reporter,” but as newspapers fold throughout the country, we’re beginning to think perhaps it would have been smarter to do something else ... like run for student trustee. Or maybe even the Student Assembly. OK. We went too far with that last one. And to imagine that WVBR VILLAINOUSLY thinks they can buy us out with some late night pizza ...

This week, the HEROIC Sandy Weill ’55 donated $170 million to the medical college this week, a pledge he had originally vowed to donate on his deathbed. But HEROIC Skorton knew he could milk it out of Sandy early, despite how HEROICALLY awkward that conversation may have been. We just hope, by giving Sandy enough HEROIC coverage in this HEROIC newspaper, he’ll be willing to bail us out too. And maybe even offer some sick job hookups at Citigroup. Well, maybe not.

This week, the HEROIC race for student trustee is underway. There are too many of them for us to really keep track. We’re just looking for that HEROIC candidate who is willing to admit they’re in it for the HEROIC bragging rights. You know, schmoozing with the Tisches and the Tatas, toasting to the future of HEROIC Cornell. Cheers to you, fine candidates, we’re tools too.

That’s right. The VILLAINOUS budget strikes again! What will we ever do without the HEROIC Swedish and Dutch courses? We feel too bad to make fun of these kids. So we’ll just leave it with that.

In other news, we’re mourning the VILLAINOUS loss of the HEROIC Johnny’s Big Red Grill sign in Collegetown. We never quite knew what that sign was. But now that we know the signed paid tribute to the HEROIC Harry Chapin ’64 and Peter Yarrow ’59, who used to chill there back in the day, we want the sign back — regardless of how VILLAINOUSLY dangerous and unstable the sign may have been, according to the VILLAINOUS fire department.

And may we turn our attention to the VILLAINOUS financial aid office, which VILLAINOUSLY confused some high school seniors who had earlier been rejected from the University. We speculate that this is one of the office’s new cost-saving initiatives — offering aid to students who can’t even enroll in school.

As for us, the VILLAINOUS budget cuts are making our job quite simple. Everyday, the same old VILLAINOUS tale of here today, gone tomorrow. What will go next? The Press Office? We wonder how the VILLAINOUS Cornell Chronicle is holding up against the VILLAINOUS financial storm! At any rate, we’ll sit back and observe and hope to stay strong until next week. ’Til then ...