Spring Break is here and downtown at HEROES & VILLAINS, we’re ready for the HEROIC wet t-shirt contests, drinking games and dances with the devil on exotic beaches far, far away from the VILLAINOUS Ithaca cold. But, wait, what’s that we hear about VILLAINOUS violence and political turmoil in Mexico? Looks like those Bloody Marys may not actually be made of tomato juice ...

We’re ready to put H&V to bed for a week, but first we have a few last issues to duke out.

This week saw another war — this one HEROIC — fought between two equally VILLAINOUS characters on the national stage. As far as we and just about every other Ivy sees it, the whole of Cornell isn’t a real Ivy anyway: It’s too young, it’s too big, it’s too fratastic. So, guess what? Super-VILLAIN Ann Coulter ’84 — ironically, founder of the VILLAINOUS Cornell Review — can shove it. Neither she nor VILLAINOUS Keith Olbermann ’79 went to a “real” Ivy anyway!

Man, we knew it would be a great week after the HEROIC B-ballin’ boyz on the Big Red clinched the second-straight Ivy League title a week ago. H&V loves sports. We make good cheerleaders, but we would definitely make better scorekeepers than those who called the game. Did anyone else catch the VILLAINOUS scoring glitch? Sure, they said the mistake was due to the “rowdiness” of the Ivy League crowd, but we didn’t buy that either. We’re pretty sure someone was trying to rig the game. *Cough* [VILLAINOUS] Penn *Cough*.

Hopefully some sick basketball endorsements can save the HEROIC Big Red from the VILLAINOUS economic plague that left the HEROIC Board of Trustees weeping last weekend with news that Cornell is selling bonds, digging into debt — yeah we’re tired of that story too. Someone fix this economy so we can get back to talking about HEROIC Spring Break, again.

In bigger, brighter news this week, the HEROIC student body elected HERO-hopefuls Rammy Salem ’10 and Ola Williams ’10 to lead the only-very-rarely-HEROIC-but-mostly-VILLAINOUS Student Assembly. H&V’s totally hopeful that the two will usher in an era where we can spend our future writing things like, “The SUPER-DUPER-HEROIC S.A.” on these very pages. That’d be sweet. Superman that, bro!

It looks like some students may be homeless this fall as a direct result of the VILLAINOUS housing lottery. Why don’t the architects just relinquish their rooms for next year and move into Milstein, errr Rand Hall? Then we could confine all the second hand smoke on campus to one area. Either that, or the Ag kids could move to the cow barns ... too soon?

Finally, as we write these final words before peacing out for Spring Break, we’d like to impart some words of wisdom. Actually, screw that shit. Stay classy, HEROIC Cornell University. H&V out.