When I first heard Ann Coulter’s declaration that the College of Arts and Sciences was “the only Ivy League school at Cornell,” I was completely surprised. I did not realize that, according to Ms. Coulter’s definition, the whole of Cornell University itself was not an Ivy League institution. Now that I have been made fully aware of the situation, I think it is time that the students at the other colleges stand up and demand the treatment they deserve as “non-Ivy” students. I suggest that the only true differences between the Ivy League schools and other institutions of education are the Division I sports league, the expected workload, and the exclusive nature of being an “Ivy League” student. Therefore, I implore all students in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, the College of Architecture, Art and Planning, the College of Engineering, the School of Hotel Administration, the College of Human Ecology and the School of Industrial and Labor Relations to demand the following changes to our educations.

Firstly, since we cannot play in the Ivy League sports conference (which is where the designation originated), we should form our own Big Red conference, with players recruited individually from each college. Understandably, this may prove difficult in terms of scheduling and paying for uniforms. However, since every game during the regular season will be in Ithaca, the athletics department would save thousands of dollars that would otherwise be spent on transportation and perhaps even make revenue from attendance. More athletic teams would also provide more opportunities for students to show support for their own schools. There has been a history of lower spectator attendance to the Cornell University umbrella teams, and perhaps pitting Engineers against Architects on a more regular basis would result in greater school pride and friendly rivalries. In time, and if we operate our Big Red league outside of the NCAA regulations, we could even try to convince students from the Law, Veterinary and Johnson Schools to tear themselves away from their studies and get some healthy recreational activity. After all, four of the colleges are land grant institutions, therefore making them “state schools,” and don’t state schools always have obsessively loyal fans?

Secondly, since students at an Ivy League school are expected to do more work than the average student, we non-Ivy students should be exempt from the grueling expectations shouldered by all those in the College of Arts and Sciences. Those students should keep on working through federal holidays, but no other school should force its students into the classrooms on such celebrations as Labor Day, President’s Day, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. No student at any other school would stand for such mistreatment! Furthermore, to ensure that we aren’t working as hard as our Ivy League peers, I suggest that the number of credit-hours required for graduation from the six aforementioned colleges be reduced to one hundred from one hundred twenty. In this way, we will not be forced to work as hard during our twelve credit semesters, and the Arts and Sciences students with their fifteen credit workload will be even more deserving of the praise they receive for working so hard for their grades. It is only fair that the Ivy League education not be tarnished by those non-Ivy students who perform as well, if not better, than their peers at Cornell.

Finally, I impress upon you the exclusive nature of graduating with a degree from an Ivy League institution. Ms. Coulter has associated this distinction with the reception of a Bachelor of the Arts degree upon graduation. With this in mind, I advise reaching out to the students at Columbia, Princeton, Harvard, Dartmouth, University of Pennsylvania, Brown and Yale who are currently in pursuit of a Bachelor of Science degree and inform them that, in doing so, they are not truly Ivy League students. By warning them now, they will avoid the future humiliation of discovering that their education was not quite as special as they thought it was, and they can decide to pursue a “true” Ivy League course of study. We could suggest that each of the programs at these fine institutions that offer “non-Ivy” classes be classified in their own colleges. Perhaps it is not unreasonable to suggest that the colleges that offer a real Ivy League degree distinguish themselves by amending their name, such as Cornell’s Ivy League College of Arts and Sciences. That way, students would know exactly what kind of degree they are receiving and would not have to wade through such humiliation and unknowing deceit of future employers.

As you can see, Ms. Coulter’s point of view on this matter makes sense. It is only fair that we finally give the College of Arts and Sciences the respect it so rightly deserved as a true Ivy League college. On the other hand, I myself am enrolled in “Old MacDonald Cornell,” the Ag school, so I obviously don’t know what I’m talking about.