Love is undoubtedly the most powerful force on Earth. Lovers have been known to schlep all the way from East Buffalo Street to Balch just to swap bodily drippings and infect each other with whatever microorganisms they might be carrying. Love compels otherwise logical and intelligent women to trample each other to death outside of bargain bin wedding dress sales, stuff themselves into Wonder­bras, and deny the existence of farts. Even more remarkable is love’s ability to transform the most rugged of men into eager lapdogs whose sole purpose for existence is to debate whether or not Jay is being faithful to Whitney on The City. By the way, if you ask me, Jay is totes playing Whitney and is going to hook up with Danielle next week.

But happens when you fall out of love? Is there such a thing as a civil, mutual breakup where both parties part on good terms and remain friends?

No. Without fail, the Breakup-ees almost instinctively lose their grip on reality, become Dementors from Harry Potter and siphon the happiness and soul out of the Breakup-er’s tired and withered shell of a body.

Breakup-ees were neither born psychopaths, nor are they consciously acting out of spite. They are merely obeying the Law of Conservation of Energy, which states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed — it may only change forms. Physically speaking, the Love Energy expended during a relationship must equal the Spite Energy expended during a breakup. Other energy expenditures, such as going to therapy, exercising or acquiring hobbies, won’t suffice because they do not equal the initial Love Energy.

For example, the energy that Breakup-ees invest into memorizing a Breakup-er’s birthday, favorite songs and childhood vacations may be reallocated into memorizing their daily schedule and trailing the Breakup-er at all times, laughing maniacally and muttering barely audible curses all the while. Notice that the Breakup-er was trying to rid his life of the Breakup-ee, much as an Amazon River swimmer tries to rid himself of blood sucking leeches. Ironically, the Breakup-ers have effectively cemented themselves at the center of a Breakup-ee’s thoughts, plots and musings by ending the relationship.

Sometimes, revenge can get slightly out of hand. In 1993, Lorena Bobbitt used a carving knife to cut off her adulterous, sleeping husband’s penis. After driving away from the apartment, she proceeded to throw the penis out of the car window into a field. Fortunately, authorities were able to locate the penis and reattach it to the husband, who later became the star of such acclaimed adult films as John Wayne Bobbitt: Uncut and Frankenpenis. Lorena Bobbitt got off scot-free due to — you guessed it — insanity, proving that actions and consequences are two entirely different entities. Mandatory Public Service Announcement: No matter how hilariously appropriately this punishment fits the crime, domestic violence isn’t cool, especially when one’s junk is on the line.

If we can’t go around lopping off penises, what can we do to obey the Breakup Law of Conservation of Energy? The solution is Glower Power.

Glower Power is the revolutionary social movement by which passive aggression and cynical thought mentality are utilized to change the world in a negative way. Benefits of Glower Power include personal entertainment, boosted mood relative to others and a smug sense of superiority.

Some of you may be asking yourselves, “How can I make Glower Power a part of my life?” It’s simple. Creating an atmosphere of unfriendliness and conflict can be achieved through Random Acts of Malice.

RAMs are small, unpredictable actions that disrupt the life of another person, yet result in no actual benefit to the RAMer other than fulfilling one’s innate destructive urges. The best RAMs require a minimum of effort and consequence on the part of the RAMer, yet inflict maximum damage to the person who gets RAMed.

Here are some ideas to help get you get started RAMing the person you once loved. Has your honey been peddling her wares all over West Campus with that slutty halter top? Put that “secret” homemade sex video you filmed that one night when you were drunk on YouTube. Actually, maybe that’s not mean enough, as it did wonders for Paris Hilton’s career. On second thought, just sprinkle red pepper flakes in her panties.

Has your man been scamming on you with your best friend? Take a pin and make tiny holes in his condoms. Important note: Now is probably a good idea to either stop sleeping with him or take birth control.

Each and every one of us has a whole mess of crazy deep within. If someone breaks up with you, don’t let it go to waste by moving on. Show how much you care by ruining their life.