PLEDGES!

Have you heard that recently?

TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLDS!

Listen up! He is your brother, and he is talking to you! He is “educating” you on how to become a True Gentleman. He is educating you about the highest principles and — RECITE! — about ACTIONS WORTHY OF THE HIGHEST PRECEPTS OF TRUE MANHOOD, DEMOCRACY AND HUMANITY (or truth or honor or whatever).

I think I only vaguely knew I would quit, standing there in a smoky living room full of guys who were usually my friends, but who were now growling at me to memorize these words they were at once betraying. You can do a lot with democracy; you cannot memorize it.

They were lined up in front of me, stone-faced, hiding in their shabby suits. Everyone lined up. A few minutes before, we pledges had lined up out in the cold … just because. They were arbitrarily asserting power over us. Which, according to Locke, Mill and pretty much all the philosophers our American tradition reveres, would be considered the very opposite of democracy.

But this is not about me or John Locke, since I’m graduating and he’s dead. And if you love your frat or are an upperclassman and still into it, then I’m not exactly talking to you either. PLEDGES! This is about you. This is if you have second thoughts, which I dare say is most of you.

Quit.

You can quit and you will be fine. A lot of people do it. They are some of my favorite people at Cornell. They’re cool. By senior year, a lot of people who haven’t quit think it’s stupid and not worth the money.

Look, guys, I know that PLEDGING ISN’T THAT BAD. That’s what they say at rush week. I’ve heard it muttered around campus the past few weeks, and I’ve said it myself. It’s true, I guess. Aside from the house(s) where they line them up in the basement every week for vegetable throwing time, and aside from sleep-deprivation and hell week, THEY DON’T HAZE. The elephant walk is largely a myth (I think). It could be worse.

When you tell your friend, “at least they don’t hit us,” you’re saying things could be worse. But things could probably be better. The fact that your friends have you afraid that they will hit you … that’s bad.

They don’t haze, maybe. They don’t have to. They get you in small ways. And because you are smart, you reason that just this one thing won’t hurt. If you crawl around on the floor, if you’re dragged to MANDATORY LIBRARY HOURS and supervised like it’s high school, if you carry around a LIGHTER and a SANDWICH with you AT ALL TIMES … none of it really compromises you. IT’S STUPID, IT DOESN’T MATTER, JUST DO IT. In fact, carrying around a sandwich at all times is pretty funny.

It’s only on the weekends, or Wednesday at 3 a.m. It’s the exception. It’s NOT A BIG DEAL. It’s almost over! Maybe. And those girls, who are admittedly pretty hot, might not hang out with you if not at CEOs AND CORPORATE HOS or GOLF PROS AND TENNIS HOS or SOUTH OF THE BORDER. Then again, they might not hang out with you if they knew how some of the brothers talked about them at chapter.

But actually, what you do on the weekends does matter, and you can have fun without the title of the party degrading women or Latinos.

After all, it’s the parties that rock. The community service can be done elsewhere, and you know it’s not about becoming a True Gentleman, because True Gentlemen have not existed for a half-century now, and when they did, they were white aristocratic men who kept their women and their slaves down. You might as well be training to be Samurai warlords or Gregorian eunuchs. I know I’m missing the joke; it’s a joke. But is it worth standing in lineups for all those hours just for a joke? Can you laugh about it when you're alone?

PLEDGES! The North American Inter-Fraternity Conference says all but two U.S. presidents since 1825 have been Greek, which is supposed to be awesome. You go to the Delta Kappa Epsilon website, and you are looking George W. in the face, because this is about democracy and truth! He isn’t a bad guy and neither are your brothers; but somewhere along the way, between the SANDWICH and the basement floor, this democracy education left out the humanity part. I’m not saying you won’t make great friends, but other stuff goes down.

But whatever your politics, let’s get to today. Today is the last day to sign up for next year’s campus housing lottery. That’s if you quit. Quit with a buddy, get a place and have your own fun; apartments and sublets are as plentiful as Keystone cans on a pong table. Or quit on your own, send me an e-mail and come out for drinks.

If you love the frat, if your frat treats its gay members with full respect — at my ex-frat, they couldn’t get “fag” out of the vocab, but I hear it happens — if it’s a service frat or you are accomplishing amazing communal action there, maybe you should stay. If it’s fun and that’s all that matters to you, then stay.

But if it is more like what I have described, and you’re having second thoughts, quiteroo, pledges. Either way, have a good weekend.