Every once in a great while, when civilization teeters on the brink of the most terrible annihilation and bleakest ruin, one man — or woman! — emerges, bearing a gift for mankind with power so great that it contains the potential to rescue humanity from the throes of destruction.

When early man cowered defenselessly in the face of untamed nature and the merciless elements, Prometheus stole fire from the gods and delivered it to the mortals. When the Israelites were lost in the desert after fleeing Egypt, they suffered chaotic unrest until Moses presented them with the written law of the Ten Commandments. In modern times, when the cold masses of athletic event spectators huddle together for warmth, they are given ... the Snuggie! The Snuggie?

If the future of our species rests on the shoulders of a blanket with sleeves, Homo sapiens won’t last much longer than a Hotelie on Jeopardy.

In spite of this skid mark on the underpants of consumer products, we mustn’t lose faith. If you look closely enough, you will find hope-giving miracles on an almost daily basis. I’ve seen belts electroshock the fat off of reclining abdomens. I’ve seen food processors grind through concrete. I’ve seen towels absorb more than twenty times their weight in liquid. If I could borrow a phrase used by CNN to describe President Obama’s inauguration, it’s these “secular miracles” that help me sleep at night.

With all of these fantastic-sounding items and seemingly great deals, who will rise to shepherd our lost flock to soul-enriching Super-Products like the Gazelle home fitness center, yet cautious enough to help us steer clear of temptation in the form of crap like the Ped Egg foot callus remover?

There are currently three men with the moxie, wherewithal and loudness of voice to save us from a hellishly material-free existence. The contenders are: (1) Vince “Shamwow!” Offer, (2) Anthony “Chef Tony” Notaro, and (3) Billy “OxiClean” Mays.

Vince Offer is spiky-haired guy with the headset who “stars” in the ShamWow! absorbent towel infomercials. A pathetic failure from the beginning, Offer’s credentials include releasing the critically un-acclaimed and un-watchable Underground Comedy Movie and leaving the Church of Scientology after it accused him of being a criminal.

Vince is almost as bad a Shamwow! salesman as he is a filmmaker. His greasy blowout gives him the appearance of a man who cuts his own hair and doesn’t own a mirror. He is also rude and condescending, both to the audience and to the camera guy he publicly humiliates for missing a shot. If he could get a girlfriend she’d probably send him to Tool Academy.

In the commercial, his biggest selling point is that the product is German made and “You know the Germans always make good stuff.” Just as a reminder, some of the other great things that Germans have made include lederhosen, creepy David Hasselhoff albums and Nazi death camps.

In one ploy, Vince also purports that “You’re going to spend $20 every month on paper towels anyway.” Who spends $20 on paper towels? Stop insulting us with your false claims, and take that ridiculous headset off and shove it up your Shamwow. If I wanted to hear an obnoxious, self-important Brooklynite prattle on about pointless drivel, I’d hang out at the Ives ILR library.

So it looks like Vince is a false merchandise prophet.

Next up is Anthony “Chef Tony” Notaro. Chef Tony is the portly, mustachioed, bucktoothed hawker of the Miracle Blade knife set. While a disheveled housewife on the verge of tears futilely hacks away at a turkey with inferior cutlery, Chef Tony chops through a pineapple with one slice. Unfortunately, Tony could never cut it as the savior of our capitalistic souls because he is a big fat fraud. In addition to being a shallow Italian American stereotype, he’s not really even a chef — he’s just a fat guy with a knife. That’s nothing special; restaurants are full of fat guys with knives. Come back after a few years of culinary school and orthodontics, then we’ll talk.

Finally, we come to the Prince of Peddling, the Shah of Sales, the one and only Billy Mays. Mays worked his way up from humble beginnings selling junk to tourists on the Atlantic City boardwalk to international fame as the face of such uber-products as OxiClean, Mighty Putty and the Ding King. With his friendly bearded face and his patented yelling technique, Mays could sell a stolen car to a judge. I’m not saying that he’s of divine birth, but if Jesus ever stained his robes while turning water into wine, I’m sure Billy Mays has a product that would clean the spill right up.

He’s loud enough to spread his message, yet compassionate enough to stand faithfully behind the products he truly believes in. He can save us all ... for only two easy payments of $29.95! Plus shipping and handling.