Op-Ed
Any Way You Want It
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The Shocker
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Tuesday night I hung out with the boys of “What George Bush Told Me,” a weekly Slope Radio talk show. We shot the shit, they asked to see my armpits, I showed them (still haven’t shaved), they pretended to puke — it was cute. We took a couple phone calls, and after one guy called in asking how to make anal sex “less bloody” (seriously), we spoke with “Patricia.” Her call may or may not have been for real, but it sure was interesting.
There ain’t a delicate way to put it, but Patricia’s supposed problem is this: her boyfriend likes to suck his semen out of her vagina after they have sex. What’s he do with it afterwards? I don’t know. Maybe he swallows it. Maybe he spits it out. Maybe he just swirls it around a little and appreciates it like a fine wine. Welcome to “felching.”
Patricia wanted to know if this was “normal,” because she didn’t want to be in an “abnormal relationship” or “ruin her reputation.” For starters, if your boyfriend’s lapping up his spunk from your junk, something tells me your reputation isn’t the one at stake. And that thought led me to think more about this notion of normalcy.
I have never heard three guys giggle as much as these boys did when Patricia described felching. To be fair, I had to bite my tongue and take a couple deep breaths before I could talk to her. The hosts labeled the call a fake, and since she sounded like she was reading straight off the Wikipedia page, they were probably right. On the other hand, you can say just about whatever you want on Slope Radio. That’s a sign to me that someone could call in with a “my boyfriend likes to make a meal of himself” kind of issue and be pretty sure that not too many of her friends will tune in to hear the news.
Countless people have this same problem. Either they or their partner do something “weird” during sex. And it scares them. What would people say if they found out? Would it damage their reputations, change the way their friends act around them? Most of their worries aren’t about their own concerns but other people’s. Ain’t that some shit? You’re just trying to enjoy yourself, maybe swill down some of your own bodily fluids in the process, and suddenly you have twenty of your closest friends in your bedroom watching you do it. Talk about performance anxiety.
Wait, that doesn’t happen to you? All of your loved ones, friends, associates, coworkers, bosses, professors, classmates, pets, and roommates don’t come running through the door jostling each other for good seats to your disgusting display of sexual psychosis? No? Then what the hell are you worried about?
Of course it’s impossible to completely ignore other people’s opinions. But unless exhibitionism is your thing, most of what you do with a sexual partner goes on behind closed doors. And if you aren’t the kind of person to wear your ludicrous sex life on your sleeve, it shouldn’t be too hard to keep your crazy-ass exploits in the bedroom when you leave it.
Look at it this way: nobody’s normal. We all have an idea of what “normal” people do when they do it. It involves a man and a woman, and it don’t get much more exciting than maybe doggie-style and some dirty talk. And even that’s too far for some folks. The point is, “normal” implies some kind of standard, and very few people match that standard or even have the same concept of it. What’s normal for you probably isn’t the same as what’s normal for the person sitting next to you. It’s all variable, and it’s all awesome. So let’s not shit ourselves. If we can’t all agree on what it means to have a typical sex life, then none of us is having a typical sex life.
So now what? You’re not normal, your partner’s not normal, the twenty people watching you bone aren’t normal, and you’ve all got some stuff brewing in your head that you would never want your mothers to know about. There must be a way to keep your freak in the sheets and off the street.
I almost can’t believe I’m writing this. I got “sexual liberation for all” oozing from my pores. I think the easiest way to avoid a sullied reputation is not to take yourself so seriously in the first place and be as open and honest as you can. If you tell people how it is before they get a chance to speculate, the only rumors you’ll have to deal with are facts. It stops people in their tracks when you don’t let them make you feel ashamed for something that made you feel really good.
But there are tons of reasons why someone might want or need to keep quiet about who and how they bang. I might not agree with it, but it’s one of those necessary evils. And as long as the people involved all want to be doing whatever they’re doing and everyone’s keeping it safe, it’s no business of mine or anyone’s whether they choose to be vocal about it.
One excellent way of keeping your business confined to a limited circle is to be selective about the people you get dirty with. Don’t want anyone to know you like crying in a party hat after sex? Maybe hold off on that until the second or third date. If you’re on the other end of things as the partner of someone with such a kink, consider that the person you’re with is giving you a creepy but fabulous gift. They trust you enough to unleash their crazy on you, leaving the door wide open for you to do the same. And don’t play like you don’t have any crazy.
So “Patricia” — think about how YOU feel about your cum-sucking boyfriend. You might surprise yourself.
Liana Mancini is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at lmancini@cornellsun.com. The Shocker appears alternate Thursdays.