The nation stands together in silent vigil today as Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour has declared an official state of emergency. A catastrophic outbreak of the obesity epidemic has devastated the third time Fattest State in the nation. The National Guard has implemented emergency procedures including barricading all roads into and out of Mississippi in order to quarantine the state. Fully 32.6 percent of Mississipians have been diagnosed with the disease, and hundreds more become afflicted each day. "We’ve got a long way to go. We love fried chicken and fried anything and all the grease and fatback we can get in Mississippi,” said Democratic state Rep. Steve Holland, chairman of the Public Health Committee.

Law and order deteriorated into chaos and anarchy in Jackson, the state’s capital and largest city, as roving bands of generously proportioned residents hungrily searched for food. Law enforcement officials were powerless to placate an angry mob of obesity victims who were enraged when asked to leave an Old Country Buffet restaurant “before they had eaten all they cared to eat.” Several of the mob members were eventually incarcerated while attempting to trundle their way into a local pork rendering factory.

Gravy has replaced the dollar here, a currency that surprisingly enough has remained strong in spite of the global economic crisis. The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has attempted to airlift crates of ham hocks and scrapple to the corpulent victims, but due to organizational blunders the food was mistakenly delivered to annoyed Long Island Jews. FEMA advises that if you encounter an obese person, you should remain calm, avoid feeding them, and try to run away (outrunning one shouldn’t be very difficult).

Scientists believe that obesity is caused by a virus that can remain dormant in a person for years, usually until their senior year of college. Symptoms include weight gain, not fitting into one’s clothes, and increased buoyancy in water. Obesity may be transmitted by touching a fat person, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) warns that most recent cases have been traced to food contaminated by the virus. Initially, the food scare was limited only to McDonald’s Big Macs, possibly because a rotund worker sneezed on a frozen pattie at the central meat processing plant in Oklahoma City, OK. However, the microbes have recently been discovered in Domino’s Chicken Kickers, KFC’s Gravy Bowls, and 7-11 Taquitos as well.

The CDC is also preparing for potential obesity bioterrorism attacks. It has begun a public educational campaign, spreading the message that Al Qaeda may be using Chinese food delivery services to infect people with the Obesity Virus door to door. Terrorists may also use the postal office to spread obesity, so if someone mails you a cheeseburger, you probably shouldn’t eat it. Such was the cause for great concern in the U.S. Senate two days ago, when Senators Mike Enzi (R-WY) and Dick Durbin (D-IL) had pizza delivered to their offices in Washington, D.C. that was “extra greasy.” Congress’s two portliest senators are currently undergoing Hazmat screenings for obesity.

Obesity isn’t just a concern in the Deep South; its flabby hand touches many Cornell students as well. The life of Ricky Alexander ’11 was forever changed when his girlfriend contracted the illness. “After Lucy ballooned past the 300 pound mark, I was inconsolable. We couldn’t do any of the things we always enjoyed doing together, like going caving, hang gliding, or even wearing bathing suits. Putting her out to pasture was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make,” he said. You’re very brave, Ricky, and our hearts go out to you.

A particularly tenacious variant of the Obesity Virus is transmitted sexually. This strain seems to affect only females, puzzling epidemiologists. Sufferers appear to rapidly gain weight over a nine-month period, and then return to their normal body size almost overnight. Dr. Carolyn Eichberg ’80, my mom, recalls her bout with the malady.

“Oy gevalt Daniel, when you were a little peckel I must have gained thirty pounds! Such an emotional rollahcoastah: farklempt in the morning and plotzing by Shabbat! By the way, why don’t you ever call me anymore? You’re killing your mother!”

There may be hope for those blighted with obesity. An experimental drug called Exercisor® is currently being tested for efficacy. The medication must be taken orally three to four times a week while the patient is engaged in physical activity for at least half an hour. For best results, take Exercisor® after eating a balanced, reasonably proportioned meal, which has been found to have a 99 percent success rate.

It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, fat or thin, from the South or from the Midwest. Obesity strikes quickly and mercilessly, and you are powerless to prevent it. All you can do is gracefully accept your inevitable fatness and go bowling.

Daniel Eichberg is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at deichberg@cornellsun.com. Straight No Chaser appears alternate Wednesdays.