Coinciding with the “Reimagining Cornell” initiatives that take up most of President David Skorton’s day job, the University’s fearless leader has brought his work home, so to speak, and decided to “reimagine” his kitchen. With persistence from his wife, who told The Sun that this makeover was long overdue, the Skorton residence will take on a refreshed and reinvigorated aura.

Skorton will purchase all mahogany cabinets and new stainless steel appliances, including a refrigerator/freezer with a built in Skorton-shaped ice-making machine. Sources say that the idea of a popcorn machine is also being tossed around, enabling Skorton to satisfy his cravings without enduring the shame of being caught at Dunbars. And, of course, a cookie machine is being discussed, but the Cornell Store has objected, saying that the machine may result in a substantial decrease in revenues.

Pimp my crib: Despite looming budget cuts, President David Skorton gets a set of new toys for his decked out new digz.“With these more efficient appliances, President Skorton can streamline the organization of his morning, thereby saving time and money for the University,” said Thomas W. Bruce, vice president for communication. Bruce will also be moving into the pantry.

But according to Skorton’s wife, the kitchen overhaul came about after several high-profile visits.

“When Toni Morrison came over, I tried to bake a cake but the kitchen was just too cramped. It’s time David realized we need new appliances,” she said.

“The freakin’ Dalai Lama told me how terrible my kitchen was. The Dalai Lama! I knew after that we just couldn’t continue living the way we were,” she added.

The University has hired nationally-acclaimed consultants to oversee the project: Ty Pennington of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

“His kitchen was just a mess,” Pennington said in an interview last week. “The dude’s kitchen looked like it hadn’t been renovated since the 70s. He had that clock with the cat who’s eyes move and a rotary phone. It was time for a change.”

The University declined to offer any details about its arrangement with Pennington and Co.

While some questioned the decision to bring in an outsider to work on the project, Skorton sought to lay to rest those concerns yesterday in a video message.

“We have the final decision over this project. Pennington will only serve in an advisory capacity,” he said.

The contents of this story are completely fabricated and are not intended to be taken seriously. This piece was featured in The Sun's 2009 Halloween issue.