Top secret documents obtained from deep within Day Hall detail Cornell’s secret weather machine, buried beneath Alumni Fields. The device, known as the Wilson Laboratory Synchrotron, has been disguised as a high energy physics experiment for the past 50 years, but really it is the fabled Cornell Weather Machine

“Cornell’s existence clings onto past and future donors (aka. trustees and parents.) Therefore, it is of utmost importance that these VIPs should enjoy the very best weather, if any, that fair Ithaca can possibly offer,” the document reads. “The students, on the other hand, don’t matter. At all.”

A loyal Oompa Loompa, as old as this publication, has been tending this heavenly machine for four long decades. Working only two weekends per year — Orientation Week and Trustee Weekend — the nameless midget left the campus in a furious rage after the administration decided to coax the Chinese into donating to Cornell with his most-prized personal possession: magical mushrooms (and mischievous molds.)

Due to budget cuts, the University is unable to fetch enough mushrooms to feed another Oompa Loompa. The unmanned “synchrotron” has suffered from two fires since the beginning of this semester.

The blueprint of the Weather Machine was first developed by the scientists who made the friggin’ A-bomb.

The contents of this story are completely fabricated and are not intended to be taken seriously. This piece was featured in The Sun's 2009 Halloween issue.