Reasons Valentine’s Day sucked:

1) Everyone knows it’s a joint conspiracy between the greeting card and floral decoration industries to capitalize on the hegemonic romantic ideal fueled by Hollywood and chick lit with Fabio on the cover.

2) It’s a day hinging upon the inability of men to satisfy the disproportionately high standards of women in regards to experiencing said romantic ideal,

3) Some of us spent it inside, sitting alone in our boxers in the dark eating cold pizza, smoking Black-and-Milds with the window cracked and guzzling flat diet soft drinks to the tune of instrumental Celine Dion songs.

4) We thought we’d enjoy the day by watching the new Garry Marshall (yes, the guy who directed Beaches) film, Valentine’s Day.

Reasons Valentine’s Day sucked:

1) Audiences flocked to theaters hoping to see a holiday-themed hybrid of Love Actually and He’s Just Not That Into You (with a bigger ensemble cast than Rat Race and Wet Hot American Summer combined), only to get nothing of the first film’s earnestness or the second film’s insight.

2) This may have been Taylor Swift’s year as far as music goes, but if anyone in the course of the movie jokingly handed her a paper bag to attempt to act her way out of, she’d probably bite a chunk of it and chew it up the way she chewed up the scenery with her black hole of an awkwardly screamed “performance.”

3) It should not be legal for women like Jessica Biel to claim they are alone on Valentine’s Day like some of the rest of us. It isn’t fair or realistic and should not be legal to force the audience to think otherwise.

4) Ashton Kutcher lives. And breathes. Through this movie. And his character thinks he can make it with one played by Jessica Alba.

5) We are supposed to believe that Anne Hathaway’s character moonlights as a really awkward phone sex operator and successfully does this in broad daylight or while serving as Queen Latifah’s receptionist (it is L.A. after all).

6) Jamie Foxx thinks he’s allowed to be funny again. After Bait. And Stealth. No.

7) Emma Roberts (Nancy Drew) talks openly about wanting to nail her boyfriend to her grandmother (Shirley McClaine). No.

8) We are forced to watch her boyfriend sneak into her room and attempt to serenade her naked while playing a guitar. No.

9) Jennifer Garner doesn’t get that Patrick Dempsey is cheating on her like a blind, blockheaded, man-jawed moron for the first half of the film, then morphs like a Power Ranger into her character from TV’s Alias to get revenge before ending up with the most undeserving character in the whole debacle.

10) Apparently going from almost-married to loving your best friend takes about a day’s worth of time.

11) Geroge Lopez is given a speaking role in this film. No.

12) Taylor Lautner is even in this film. Ugh.

13) This movie wastes Kathy Bates, Bradley Cooper, Hector Elizondo, Topher Grace, and Queen Latifah in thankless roles. All do their best to survive and nail a few laughs and even moments of drama along the way.

14) The strongest dramatic moment involves Julia Roberts playing an Army captain flying home for 14 hours to visit one special person on Valentine's Day. The story is paced correctly, and the character is played believably, even though their name is not memorable (and it’s on their uniform). When a movie’s dramatic tension is anchored by Julia Roberts, you know the movie’s in trouble.

15) The strongest comedic moment involves Jessica Biel falling off an accelerating treadmill. When a movie’s best slapstick joke was done better by an old man in Lost in Translation, you know the movie’s in trouble.

16) This is the sort of movie with so many throwaway characters and plotlines, not to mention few distinguishing characteristics, it’s impossible to refer to the characters by anything other than the actors who play them. That’s a red flag.

17) When the movie is designed as a hyperlink romantic comedy with an ensemble cast and their various hi-jinks on the Hallmark Holiday, and it still overreaches for laughs and then justifies its running time with cloyingly sentimental endings, that’s a wrap. Date movie fail.