Dudes can be cruel to be kind. As a womyn, I can say that. Dudes, you can be cruel — to be “kind” — either to embarrass us or reproduce with us.

Case in point: about a month ago I was walking to a party with my gal pal. We were gabbing about, you know, Sex and the City, and which character we’re most like, and what sort of vodka-tinis we’d be imbibing later, and then we talked about doing our nails, and kissing boys and having the red tide come visit us every 28 days.

And then, while we minded our own goddamned business, we passed the gaze of a young man, after which he said within earshot, “Not even worth it.”

WHAT?!?!

Oh, you’d better believe I put on my “bitch face” while Crime Mob rapped in my head (“I’ll beat yo azz, I’ll beat yo azz,” etc. etc.) I said some indecent things about him and wished I’d said indecent things about his manhood, too. But I don’t fight dirty. I am a lady after all.

Let me reiterate: WHAT?!?!

I was befuddled! It was dark! I couldn’t even see said jerk in the light, so I’m pretty sure he couldn’t see us shawties either. Plus, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’ve shampooed with L’Oreal products long enough to know that not only am I worth it, but my friend is a dime, too.

So, broham, excluding the possibility that you thought us aesthetically displeasing to your night vision, let’s settle this. Gently put, your game is lacking. Flaccid, even. Your “holla” is hollow, if you will.

I now present to all of you similarly failing fellows, my guide to the fine art of “holla’ing,” with love from me to you.

First: caveat emptor, ok? You break it, you buy it; you mess up with a girl because of my advice, you eat your words. You get nervous and accidentally drool because you are so enamored of the girl in front of you, not my fault.

But on the anxious drooling tip, one thing my insidious interpellator had going for him was that he was so confident in saying we weren’t even worth further inspection. You want that foxxxy mama in front of you? You go right up to her, don’t drool, and say with conviction: “Hey baby, is this your first time at Pixel? The DJ’s not the only one with some seven-inches ...”

And boom, bam! Probably/maybe a done deal!

... No girl wants you as a gentleman caller after that pick up line?

Well, thank God for that, and thank God for the Internet. What do I know about picking up chicks, anyway? I just write the words.

But I am telling you that Linda, the author of the website, “The Best Pick-Up Lines in the World (And Much, Much More!)” may very well have 36 of the finest pick-up lines in all of North America. To be honest, how could you not trust her with an introductory paragraph like this?:

“Tired of using the same ole lines? Need some new lines to use when going out cruising? Your sex life going nowhere? Are chycks groaning at you, no sooner that you’ve uttered those lines, they’ve heard so many times, they cut you off and finished them for you? Are your parents ready to send you to Tibet on a one way ticket so you can live out your celibate life with that bratty Lama boy and his merry band of monks? Have you caught yourself singing that top 40 song by I.M. Clueless entitled The little sperm that couldn't [sic] for no reason whatsoever?”

Her quirky sense of capitalization and verb tenses, plus her gender-considerate spelling of the word “chycks” shows me that Linda does not pussyfoot around. Try this pick up line on for size: “My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.” Or try the ever-charming “[Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.”

Hyper-sexualized flirting: not your thing? Mainframes and logic boards are more your bag? Look no further than www.pickuplinesgalore.com, where you can find “Computer Geek Pick-up Lines” to your heart’s content. My personal favorites are: “You must be Windows 95 because you gots me so unstable,” and “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a chatroom like this?” Ah, L0v3.

But please, no matter how you choose to increase your gaming, the next time you holla for a dolla — whether in a car full of your “boyz” or while alone — do not disrespect her with some stupid-ish you think is funny. You’re not funny. Instead, go straight for the gold and make a royal ass of yourself with the sultry luff-talk known as pick-up lines. Then everyone will think you’re a real laugh.

Websites:

“The Best Pick-Up Lines in the World (And Much, Much More!)”: (http://www.geocities.com/westhollywood/heights/2011/pick.html)

Pick-up Lines Galore: www.pickuplinesgalore.com