The Big Red Sexual Bucket List

The fabulous Cornell Daily Sun, the very paper that you are clutching in your hands at this moment, releases a list of 161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do before leaving the Hill. Well lovers, this is the official After Midnight list of six* sexual acts every Cornellian should do. I’m still checking some of these off my personal bucket list; I’ll keep you posted. If you have completed all six: (1) call me, and (2) apply for this job next year.

(*My editor wouldn’t let me publish all 161, so contact me if you’d like the full monty.)

6. Make out with someone outside your usual gender of preference.

There is no better time for experimentation than our college years. It’s such a classic part of the college experience! It’s also great for matchmaking. I’ve made out with some close friends, and now when I set them up with boys I can say with confidence what good kissers they are. And what is more harmless than a make-out session? It makes for a great story to tell your grandchildren also, and I feel like the amount of stories you have to tell your grandchildren is a good measure of how awesome your life has been.

5. End up at Ithaca College.

I know we all love to hate on the good ol’ I.C., but I’ve heard some great stories about people winding up there after a crazy night. Cornell people are just so limiting sometimes. I’m always seeing the same old people, the same old options. Ithaca College, on the other hand, is an untapped market of sexual potential. Full of theater majors, communications majors and athletes, it’s guaranteed your pillow-talk won’t include how to form a phosphodiester bond (hopefully that doesn’t happen here either, but I wouldn’t be surprised). I bet I.C. students are sexual freaks too, and that is always great. The only real problem with getting it on I.C.-style is getting a ride back. If you thought being stranded in Collegetown freshman year was a problem, being stuck at Ithaca College is a nightmare you won’t wake up from. But hey, it’s nothing that $20 for a cab or an awesome friend with a car can’t fix.

4. Threesome.

No longer the third wheel, but the third musketeer. Although I must warn you, a threesome is only a good idea if you aren’t the jealous type. Two girls, one guy? Two guys, one girl? Three guys? Three girls? I’ll leave it up to you, but my personal preference is two girls, one guy. How do you initiate this mildly crazy sexual act, you ask? Start with a three-way make out. Or just go up to two potentials and say, “Threesome later?” It will help if one or both are foreign. Americans sometimes can’t handle these things.

3. Spend a Saturday in bed having sex.

I don’t think I’ve ever done any schoolwork on a Saturday once, ever. So if Saturdays aren’t for academics, you might as well spend some time doing the best extracurricular activity on campus. Sex, nap, snack, repeat. Maybe throw in a few episodes of Mad Men.

2. Take the sexual tour of campus (bonus points if it’s with a real CIVR tour guide).

Start out by kissing on the suspension bridge at midnight — a Cornell classic. Move on to Libe slope, make out under the stars, maybe feel each other up a little bit. Break into any of the High Rises for some fingering/hand job action in the sky lounges. Then start to take things a little past PG and give each other head in Goldwin Smith. And finally, have sex on the lap of the A.D. White statue. He won’t mind. If that freaks you out too much, then I guess you could go have sex in the stacks, although I think that should be reserved for a more risky time of day, like 3:30 p.m. on a Tuesday. I also completely think that sexy times with the chimes at the top of the clock tower would be probably the best thing ever, but one of my trusted pals tells me they lock it during the times that the chimes don’t ring. I guess my chime won’t be ringing at the top of the clock tower anytime soon.

1. Hook up with a T.A. (triple points for hooking up with a professor).

I’ve wanted to hook up with a T.A. since freshman year, clearly. Who doesn’t? But to be honest, it’s not that big of a deal. T.A.s are your fellow students, and they are essentially on your level.  A professor on the other hand! Just picture it. You saunter into office hours; your eyes meet. Your question regarding the emphasis on the individual in 18th century poetry is just so insightful, so ingenious, that your professor puts down his pipe, takes off his tweed jacket and passionately, lustfully kisses you. Your subsequent secret rendezvous teach you more about sex — more about the world — than any still-pimply 19-year-old ever could.

Morgan T. is a junior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at morgant@cornellsun.com. After Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.